The day that I turned 39, the countdown began...I only have 364 days left before I'm "over the hill", 5 months left of "being young", 42 days left, down to hours remaining...then, it happened. Time marches on... As I closed out my 30's, I anxiously awaited the midnight hour while catching up on work-related activities. The hour that I had so anxiously anticipated crept in ever so stealthily while I watched the clock. In the minutes following my assent to the top of the "hill", I mentally placed myself in check...
"Well, I didn't drop dead.
I didn't shrivel up like a prune.
I didn't even turn into a pumpkin.
So, what does this mean?!?!"
I went to bed and woke up the next morning to a full day of celebrating with friends and family. It was a blessed distraction.
The weeks that followed brought a time of reflection on my life and an analysis of plans for the future. Through this process, I became overwhelmingly aware that all of my life, even though I am an adventure-seeking, risk-taking, wanna-be rebel at heart, I had held myself back time and time again for various reasons. We can always come up with a good reason not to do something, right? Throughout my life, I lived with the thought that I want to live with as little regret as possible over things I've done. Given such, this limits the amount of risk that you can be willing to take. What I forgot along the way is to also try to live with as little regret as possible over things I HAVEN'T done.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.
So, throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover."
-Mark Twain
Maybe most people reach this realization as they near the infamous "hill." Maybe that's why people go into "midlife crisis" mode...maybe they panic at the realization that they haven't done all the things they wanted to do, so they begin living with reckless abandon trying to make up for lost time. There has to be a balance between those two worlds...the doing versus the not doing regarding the potential for regret.
So, my analysis led me to question my real "beef" with turning 40. What did it signify? Loss, maybe? Loss of youth, loss of certain opportunities, loss of the world's idea of "beauty"? This last point led me to turn to my dear friend, Dawn.
Dawn is beautiful inside and out. She is 40. She is a model. As I embarked on this "living life with little regret by DOING" philosophy, Dawn was my inspiration.
Since I was a little girl, I, like many starry eyed kids my age, grew up dreaming of being the next Cover Girl like Christie Brinkley. My poor little sister suffered at my hands countless times as I dressed her up with full makeup and heels insisted that her 3-year-old-energy be directed at posing for the camera (she should just be thankful that we didn't live in the digital age that we live in now...24 exposure film really limits the creative juices!) So, inspired by Dawn and nudged by her to "just do it", I booked by own little photo shoot with one of her favorite photographers, Julie. As I thought about the scheduled shoot, I kept questioning myself with "What is my goal, here? Why am I really doing this? What will people think?!" I pushed all self-inflicted limitations out of my mind as I fought all the reasons I shouldn't do it (you know what I mean, moms..."I don't have time. Who will watch the kids. I don't need to spend the money on something so frivolous. I should be doing XYZ.")
So, the day of the session arrived. I realized that morning that I had not even had time to think about what I would wear for the "shoot." I frantically messaged the photographer who encouraged me to wear what I felt good in. Well, I feel good in my boots and jeans. I would wear my boots and jeans. But was that "dressy" enough for a photo shoot?! Who knows... I decided that this was just for fun, anyway...I would not let it be stressful.
So, I was scheduled to meet the photographer at her friend's restaurant. You know how when someone says something, and you automatically imagine in your mind what that means, and that becomes your "truth"? There is no other possibility in your mind of anything any different? So, I had imagined this old, abandoned restaurant building with no one around where just the photographer and me could discreetly take a few pictures while I exercised my one "last chance" to act like a model for the day....I arrived to the restaurant that Saturday night at 6:30 to realize that it was a fully-functional, "white linen tablecloth" restaurant where they would have a live band for the evening and beautifully dressed people were arriving for their dinner reservations. Yeah...
As I retreated to the bathroom where Julie had directed me to put my bags, I thought, "There's no way I can do this. What will these people think? I certainly don't want for them to watch me do a photo shoot! And most of them will probably take one look at me and wonder why I would be doing something like this anyway!" Julie finally came into the bathroom to see if I was ever going to actually show my face so that it COULD be photographed. I stood there looking like a "deer in headlights" as I admitted to her that I didn't realize that I would have an audience. She shooed away my concerns and we walked out and through the restaurant to the outside front.
So, picture this...a country girl who has never actually done a "photo shoot", drizzly, soaking rain coming down, photographer trying to protect her camera from the rain, audience in "fancy" restaurant, audience across the street at a very busy restaurant with waiting patrons outside, and a small town downtown area with lots of car traffic. I'm thinking this is a disaster before we even start.
Julie, my photographer, was great. She told me how to sit, how to stand, even told me things to do to relax the tense, very-aware-of-hundreds-of-eyes-on-me expressions on my face. I actually felt sorry for her as I'm certain that she has never worked with a subject so green! At the end of the night, I was sweaty, rain-damp, hungry, thirsty, exhausted, and...elated. I had done it! Something that I never actually thought I would ever do....all because I turned 40, started analyzing my life, decided to take more risks, say "yes" more, and stop talking myself out of opportunities to experience life even more fully! Wow. I'm sort-of liking this whole turning 40 thing!
So, my original desire with this shoot was to try to capture, while I still could, what little "beauty" was left of semi-unwrinkled skin so that when my children grew up, they could look back and show the pictures to their children, and say "Can you believe that your grandmother once looked sort-of young?!" That was my ORIGINAL goal, yet even during the shoot, my focus completely changed. My focus became taking the risk to look "ridiculous" for the sake of making a memory, saying "yes" instead of "no", achieving the goal of not even caring what others watching thought as I walked right out into the crosswalk in the rain in front of the headlights of what may as well have been millions of cars waiting at the red light, then stopping right in the middle of the street to turn around and pose. It even became comical to me as I thought about all the people watching and thinking about what must be going through their minds.
When I look at the resulting photos, I don't see "beauty" in the traditional sense. I see true "beauty" which comes from living life fully. Embracing opportunities. Saying "why not"?! Teaching my children that it is GOOD to have fun in healthy ways.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord
is to be praised.
-Proverbs 31:30
Yes, I think I'm going to like the other side of this hill...
