Restoration
I love
old things. I love the smell of dusty, worn books; the look of rusted metal and
the weathering of old wood. My Granny used to laugh at my "rescues".
I spent my entire childhood watching her make biscuits using an old metal
sifter. It was white with red apples and green stems. Most of the paint had
worn away in many places after years of use, and there was a hole about the
size of a quarter in the bottom of the sifter that had formed after probably
thousands of pans of biscuits had been rolled out, dusted with flour, and cut
into perfectly formed circles. She even picked up each one and gently
pressed the sides that weren't quite perfect before placing them in the pan to
bake. (Not being a detailed person at all, when I've made biscuits as an adult,
they've always been "drop" biscuits, and I've given each one full
freedom to be decidedly imperfect!). One day, when I was sitting on the
countertop as a teenager, watching my Granny make biscuits, she lamented about
that old, worn-out sifter, and tossed it over into the trash can! I hopped
right off the counter and retrieved it faster than she could turn back around!
She said " What in the world would you want that old sifter for?!" to
which I replied that it represented peace, family, contentment, and love to me.
Now, it sits in my glass front cabinet so that I can see it anytime I pass. It
reminds me every time I see it of her love for her family and oh, how glad I am
that I rescued it...
On
October 25, 2015, I texted this picture below to a close friend. It’s an old
1950's model camper that I had decided on a whim to go buy. (My husband says
that he has learned to be surprised at nothing!).
My
friend, Rich, was a Volkswagen enthusiast and loved to restore them. He had
just about finished a recent rebuild (from the ground up!) and was always
interested in a fun project! As soon as I texted him the picture of the camper,
he called me "over the moon" excited about the purchase and asked ,
"Hey, if I help you rebuild it, can I use it some, too?!" I readily
agreed, of course, as I know NOTHING...I repeat, NOTHING, about rebuilding,
well...anything! I sometimes have too much confidence that I can figure things
out as I go.
On
November 30, 2015, Rich committed suicide.
I
won't go into all the details nor the grieving process that I have been
through, but I will say that it was almost excruciating to look at that camper
after that. Sometimes, I would not even be able to look at it, and sometimes, I
would just sit in it and cry. I didn't start any work on the camper at
all. It just sat there on my land as a reminder of a project that was
supposed to be fun but just brought pain at that point.
A few
weeks ago, a friend of mine told me that she had a dream about Rich. She said
that in her dream, she and I were out at the camper working on it when Rich
drove up in his truck. He got out of his truck and walked towards the camper,
and I peeked my head out the door and just stood there dumbfounded. I said
something to him about him being gone, asked him why he had gone away, and
commented that he was SUPPOSED to help me with the camper! (Cause that's what
was important in that moment, right?! *rolling eyes*). He laughed and said,
"You've got this! You can do it!", got back in his truck and drove
away.
I
don't know if the dream gave me peace or made me mad (there are those
roller-coaster emotions of grief coming out...), but at any rate, I used
whatever energy that came from those emotions to start work on the camper. It's
in pretty bad shape, so there is a lot that needs to be torn out. Pent-up
emotions that I didn't even realize that I had have come out with fury as I'm
tearing out walls, cabinets, flooring. When you think you can't
"feel" anything emotionally, try smacking yourself in the face with
paneling that pulls free suddenly or have the cabinet fall on you as you're
removing nails and the remaining nails pull free from rotten wood (Yes, I've
had the pleasure of having emotional releases from both experiences recently.)
Healing and restoration of ourselves comes in many different forms and in
our own time. My time wasn't in the past five months. I was working through
some things slowly during that time through a few conversations with close
friends about the situation and several intentional meetings with good mentors,
but now, through the camper project, I've felt progression. I don't know that
we ever reach a point in tragedies where we feel completely "healed"
(whatever that means...). I think we hope to get to the point of not
allowing our pain to have daily strongholds on us, and we begin using our
experiences for good, but this is "healing". Regarding the
camper, my Granny would laugh and say she doesn't understand why I'd want that
old thing, but she'd appreciate the beauty of the restoration. Rich would want
to be right in the middle of the project, and he is in many ways. I hope that
each time I look at that camper in the future, I think of friendship, kindred
spirit connections, joy, and the importance of "doing life together"
with friends.
Healing
happens in different ways for different people. And right now, for me, it
looks like working on an old 50's model vintage camper.
Love this old screen door and metal door! Everything is original!
Despite Rich telling me that I needed to be sure to take pictures
of the before and after, I forgot! This
is as early as I got a picture! I had
already torn out a lot of the wall at this point.
**Chris
Stapleton has committed to bringing awareness of mental illness and suicide
through his song, Fire Away, and his promotion of the following organization:
http://www.changedirection.org/
I love
that he has hit this issue "head on" through a medium that is
familiar and will likely reach more people (music).
