And, Also….

 And, Also…

Recently, I discovered that one of my best friends and I shared a very interesting commonality. Eons ago, we both eloped to the same obscure resort in Jamaica. What are the odds?! 

As we realized this incredulous fact, we both started calculating the years since these odd occurrences. It was then that I realized that today (2/20/24) would be exactly 25 years since this bright faced, hopeful, full-of-life “little girl” entered into an agreement that would shift and change her in ways that she could have never imagined. She was not so naive that she didn’t imagine changing through the years, but the changes that she would experience could have never been predicted by the smile across her lips at that moment in time. 

Most of us enter into marriage without the faintest clue of what we’re doing or what’s to come. We just know that we have hope. Hope for a home that we get to create that may be similar or different from the home that we’ve known in the past. Hope for joy, children, family, a partner, community, a legacy. 

Then, life happens. There are trials, challenges, loneliness, moments of connection, adventures, pursuit of dreams, success, and loss.  It’s a mixed bag. So, what determines whether or not that “mixed bag” lands you in the 25 year anniversary mark or parting prior to? 

The answer to that question is dependent upon so many factors….the trauma from the past, the individual and shared dreams of the future, the willingness to work through the difficulties that result when those dreams don’t align, the challenges associated with supporting each others’ dreams for achieving balance in family, career, personal pursuits, the decisions made along the way to cope with the difficulty in all of these areas…

The “milestone anniversary” markers are the “Crown Jewels” indicating “success” in navigating all of these challenges, right? 

And, Also…..

Those “milestone anniversaries” can be haunting reminders of the lack of boundaries that you wish that you had set when you went through with a wedding that you didn’t want. They can be a representation of the years that you have put yourself last instead of pursuing dreams that have been unsupported by the partner that had agreed to support you in your goals for a fulfilling life together. They can be a tragic reminder that the partner that vowed to love and support you through better or worse didn’t fight for you. They can highlight that the covenant made was not honored, and therefore that “milestone” feels far from being termed the “Crown Jewel” of all relational triumphs. 

And, Also…..

What did you do with the wreckage? Did you crumble? Of course you did. Because, we all crumble when we experience trauma. There is a vivid memory from my younger years of learning about a “sackcloth and ashes” experience. This is meant to illustrate grief so deep that the person reaps ashes on their head and dresses in sackcloth to signify their deep distress. I remember many days and nights following the ending of my own marriage that I grieved deeply and mimicked the “sackcloth and ashes” reference by going outside (especially by the light of a full moon…if you know, you know…) and burning things that no longer existed. What a powerful, external visual of the grief that you feel inside. 

And, Also…..

What do you do next? 

I hope you rise.

There is a mythical golden bird called the “phoenix” that is associated with hope, renewal, regeneration, born from the knowledge and experience of challenging times. 

There were many, MANY nights that I didn’t think that I could rise from those ashes. The nights that my children were crying from circumstances beyond my control. The days that I wondered how I was going to provide a roof over my children’s heads before realizing that our days are planned far ahead of our own awareness of their unfolding. We simply have to trust the unfolding and not try to hold on so tightly to the control of that piece of the puzzle. 

And, Also….

What a difficult journey. The struggle to survive is such a devious fight. Not the least of which, I believe, is in our human design to have to endure. And, yet, we may be faced with that task. And, ENDURE doesn’t even begin to describe the full extent of our capability when we step into our full potential. We are made to THRIVE. Despite life. Despite fears. Despite “nay-sayers” who are allowing themselves to be used to distract, deter, and destroy our efforts to exemplify resilience in the face of the unimaginable. 

And, Also….

THRIVE is the life goal that I hope that we are all aspiring to. If you are not thriving, then, what are you doing? What is blocking your path? You? Your trauma? We can heal so many pieces of those experiences. Other people? Are they willing to see their inhibitions in your life or are stronger boundaries necessary? 

I turned 50 years old in 2023. 50. I remember when that number seemed near death to me. Now, it seems like a stepping stone. One in which I finally learned to state my truth, acknowledge my needs, own my “self.” So much healing has happened for me in the past year and a half…I had worked with my own therapist to heal enough to be true to myself at that point in time, and that’s when the REAL healing began. 

So, several weeks ago, I did a photo shoot to capture the feeling of being comfortable in my skin. 

A friend messaged me and asked, “Awe, how sweet that you’re doing this for your “Person” for Valentine’s Day?!” 

And, I answered, “No, this one is for me.” 

Did he enjoy it, as well? Yes.

And, Also….

Reaching the point in life that you are healed enough to do something for yourself that meets your needs and embraces all of the parts of you that are full of hope, loss, resilience, and acceptance. That is the true beauty of living. 

And, Also….

Sometimes, it doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would. 

And, Also….

That’s ok.

It can look better than you could have ever dreamed of.