That’s Love…

 That’s Love….

I grew up with a strong fear of abandonment. In large part, for that reason, I chose romantic partners and ultimately, my husband, because they felt “secure.” I didn’t worry about them leaving. 

As I’ve worked on healing that fear over the past several years, I’ve been willing to acknowledge that it’s worth the risk of heartbreak to be vulnerable enough to find “true love.” 

Then, over the past several months, as I’ve said in previous posts, I realized that I was ready to release all of my relationships to The Universe and relinquish control. 

Around that same time, I hired a trainer that would manage a nutrition wellness routine along with my in-person, physical training that I had already been doing for the past 6 months. 

What I’ve found is that “True Love” looks very different than what I imagined. 

As I began to attend to the responsibilities imposed by my paid accountability partners, I started my day with a fasted walk on the treadmill of anywhere between 1.5 to 4 miles (depending on activities of the previous night. 🤪)

I, then, go back to the gym in the late afternoon to get in my weight lifting. 

Anyone that knows me knows that eating is the farthest thing from my mind, so the hardest part of the entire routine has been to develop regular eating habits. 

One morning after getting up and going to the gym for my fasted walk, I got home, cooked my breakfast, took all of my vitamins and looked at the clock on the oven. 

11:00 a.m.

My immediate thought was, “I can’t believe that it’s 11:00 a.m.! I haven’t gotten anything done!” 

Thankfully, my next thought was, “Wow. I can’t believe that I consider caring for myself doing ‘nothing.’”

That’s when my mindset started to shift. 

I already knew myself well enough to know that nature soothes and nurtures my soul. I’ve spent countless hours in my Eno hammock and wandering all over my land and marsh that I purchased in November. Someone recently asked me, “So, you’ve built something there on the property, then?!” My immediate answer was, “Absolutely, not!” That would take the carefree nature away and introduce responsibility. No, I’ve spent time watching the movement of the wind through the trees, reading, journaling, writing, watching a hummingbird hover about a foot above my head and then land on a branch directly over me (have you ever seen a hummingbird still?!) 

But, caring for my physical body by actually feeding it on a regular basis and consistently building muscle was new to me. 

The next day that I went into the gym, I was consciously aware of the mirror directly in front of the treadmill. As I stepped onto the belt, I looked into the mirror, and I couldn’t help but crack a grin. I was doing it. Something for myself. I realized that after all of the years of raising my boys alone, they were now adults….and something had shifted. I felt a bit of room for adding in something that would enable me to continue to not only serve others well by enhancing my health overall, but it was truly the first time that I can remember giving myself time and attention consistently. 

That walk on the treadmill was different as I stared into my own eyes…and didn’t look away. I stared at myself as I silently spoke words of strength and gratitude. I thanked God for His strength and sustenance over these years that have been consumed with demands on my time, energy, heart, sleep…..and, it’s all ok…

Yet, looking into that mirror, I felt stronger.

I felt complete. 

At peace.

I realized that if we don’t find love for the person in the mirror, then we have nothing but a “needy person” to offer someone else. You may be familiar with the book entitled, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This author also published a book specifically on the Mastery of Love!

“Heal your half, and you are going to be happy. If you can heal that part of you, then you are going to be ready for a relationship without fear, without need.” (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love, p. 89)

Attending to my check-ins with my trainer, showing up with my physical trainer, actually feeding my body and seeing the physical results of that have deepened my care for myself and my value. 

Despite all of the years that I poured into my education, working, raising my children, this is the first time that I have committed to myself. 

“If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need.” (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love, p. 95.)

Along with this commitment to myself, I realized that I have been carefully cultivating my people and genuinely deep relationships over these past few years. My people have truly shown up and my circle is close and tight. 

My last post was about my “chance” meeting of my friend, Christine. She flew into Atlanta last week for a visit. All of my friend group that I see on a regular basis showed up to celebrate friendship, life, and love. 

Right before this photo was taken, I said, “Y’all!!! I just feel so grateful right now. All of my “people” are here.” They knew it was important to me. They showed up. 

That’s love. 

Seeing my boys grow up and recognizing that we have adult conversations now. They have wisdom and insight to offer. We laugh and play and enjoy each other’s company even more. 

That’s love. 

I realize now that healing doesn’t look like avoiding love or actively searching for love. 

It looks like loving yourself and loving the life that you’ve created. 

The Semmering

 The Semmering

In March of 2024, I was on a plane bound for New Orleans to present at a conference. We were grounded in Pensacola due to weather in New Orleans. 

8:00 a.m., and we were sitting on a plane with the pilot providing updates every 30 minutes as to the state of clearance to continue on the journey. 

After 3 “no go” announcements, I declared to the stranger beside me that I was NOT spending my day sitting in the Pensacola airport if they disembarked us. 

I started “Googling” Pensacola beach resorts. 

Two hours after landing, we disembarked, and I already had an Uber waiting as I was on my phone booking a room at The Pensacola Beach Resort (the literal name!) as I rolled through the airport. 

The Uber driver was a college student who wanted to major in Psychology and become a counselor. I coached her on programs to explore, and she cried as she had been contemplating just quitting school until she “figured it out”, yet she said our meeting was a “sign from the Universe” to keep going. Yes. There are no accidents.

I arrived at the resort around noon, went straight to the resort restaurant, and sat overlooking the storm rolling in with a glass of wine and food (eating is not my first inclination, yet that day, I was paying attention to me…my needs…saying “yes” to what I felt like doing without overthinking it.) 

As I sat and reflected on life at the moment, I had a sense of exhausted sadness mixed with peace and hope. I was in a year-long relationship that I knew I had to end, yet the timing didn’t feel right. I was working a lot, raising/supporting my precious young men, and I felt like I was at the end of a rope that was frayed/charred/breaking, yet I was still frantically grasping for a grip. 

I noticed a couple of women at the other side of the restaurant, and I smiled at one of them as our eyes caught. She continued to glance at me occasionally and smile, and her energy felt contagious. 

After lingering at lunch for a couple of hours, I made my way up to my room and stood in the quiet room watching the storm rage against the glass. 

I laid down on the bed and watched the lightening dance across the monstrous waves. 

Three hours later, I woke up and bolted upright wondering where I was and what had happened given that I NEVER nap! My mind and body was simply done. Feeling revived more than I could’ve ever imagined, I changed clothes, put myself “together” a bit, and headed downstairs with my laptop to work. I landed in a big overstuffed chair overlooking the raging storm over the ocean and attempted to force myself to open emails. 

Minutes later, I saw the two women from earlier in the restaurant come into the lobby and also curl up in the big comfy chairs near me. After about 15 minutes, the same woman that had smiled at me earlier came over to me and said, “I don’t want to disturb you, but I just wanted you to know that you have such beautiful energy! I’m Carolyn!”

I smiled and said, “I thought the same thing about you earlier!” 

She introduced me to her sister, Christine, who waved to me from her spot in her chair, and we all briefly noted that none of us were “supposed” to be in Pensacola. I was supposed to be in New Orleans, and they were supposed to be in Alabama for a funeral. We were all traveling from different parts of the country…Georgia, California, Maryland. 

“Are you going to dinner?” Carolyn inquired…”Join us if you’d like!” 

I replied that I would go to the same restaurant as earlier (traveling anywhere in that storm was out of the question), but it would be a bit because I “needed” to respond to some emails. She bounded off to the restaurant with Christine leaving the invitation to join open if I wanted. 

As I sat with my emails, still feeling that inclination to just allow myself to go with my desires, I closed my laptop and decided to find them. 

As I walked across through the lobby, I could see them inside the open restaurant facing me both seated on the same side of the table, and Carolyn is excitedly waving me towards them.

We must have sat there for 3 or 4 hours sharing about our lives, eating, sharing bottles of wine, laughing, and even crying over life.

I shared with them at some point during the night about my “spiritual” side…the ability to “know” intuitively and “see” things that I now trust is a God-given gift.

At some point during the night, the man that I was in a relationship with FaceTimed me, and I “introduced” him to Carolyn and Christine. 

I pulled up photos of us together after that and showed them one of my favorites. 

Christine’s response after a moment of hesitation was “It makes sense.” 

I felt cold chills go down my spine as I heard the words. Those were the same words that I had said to a friend the week before as I was reflecting on my relationship with him….”I don’t know if there is actually love there or if it just makes sense.” I didn’t respond to her comment, but my mind was stuck on the words.

Later, as the waitress brought our bills, I pulled out my glasses and put them on, and I heard Christine audibly gasp. 

I looked up at her….“What???” 

She looked like she had seen a ghost. 

She hesitantly said, “Ok…because you shared with us about your “spiritual” side, this may not freak you out….” 

She then shared that her travel to Pensacola the day before had been filled with many flight changes, and on the last “leg” of her trip, she collapsed into her seat on the plane, leaned her head back and closed her eyes. 

The woman in the seat in front of her dropped a sweater that landed on the tip of Christine’s foot. She said that she shouldn’t have even noticed because it was so lightweight, yet her eyes popped open, and the first thing that she saw was an image of my face with my glasses on. 

She sat there staring at me…I stared at her for a moment, and I said, “I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I believe you. But, what does that mean?” 

Neither of us knew…but we knew that our meeting was no accident. 

The next morning, I rented a car to drive to New Orleans. I decided to rent a Tesla so that I could explore how it felt to drive an electric car. I started to go back and exchange it for a gas powered vehicle as I stood there for 10 minutes just trying to figure out how to get into the thing. Then, as I attempted to orient myself to it before putting it in motion, I noticed a “Recording” notification on the screen. 😳

Wait, I’m being recorded?! 

I press the screen over the word, and it stops recording. 

Then, seconds later, it’s back. I’m like, “Well, whoever watches this is going to need to filter it heavily!” 🤯

I proceed and start my trek only to see that GPS is taking me off at an exit only 30 miles away. 

What? Why?! 

Thank God that I didn’t do normal “Sherie-fashion” and ignore that directive because it didn’t make sense to me. 

If I hadn’t have exited and re-charged from 80% to full 100%, I would’ve never made it to New Orleans because there wasn’t another charging station until I reached my destination. I sat there at the charging station cussing electric cars and re-routed my destination to the rental car agency to drop off that headache 3 days early. 

While I sat, I thought about Christine’s “It makes sense” comment…so, I called her. 

“Hey, what did you mean by ‘it makes sense’?”

“It was the nicest thing that I could say.”

She went on to say that she didn’t know why those words came out..they were just there. 

I knew. It was confirmation. The words that I spoke the week before. Nothing happens by accident. 

Christine has continued to be an intuitive voice that has supported me through many transitions and just life in general since that “meant” meeting last year. 

I always believe and trust in the fact that everything that happens and where we end up in any given moment is God-directed if we are going with our gut and flowing with the natural movement of the universe as it charts our course. 

Forcing things, feeling conflicted within space or relationships, that feeling of frustration and exhaustion…..This is NOT the natural order of things. 

There is so much peace in trusting in God’s beautiful orchestration of our lives. If I hadn’t allowed myself to “go with it” on that trip, I would have been overthinking it, would have probably made myself wait out the plane clearance in the Pensacola airport, I wouldn’t have met Christine and Carolyn, and I may not have had the courage and support to make all the necessary changes last year that ultimately led to more healing personally than I can even believe. 

I was on the phone with Christine this past Friday night, and I mentioned to her about my intuitive ability when purchasing real estate. (A blog post for another day….)

She exclaimed, “Oh, you need to watch Under the Tuscan Sun!” 

I said, “It’s been so long since I’ve watched that! I’m going to get out of the tub and go watch it!” 

And, I did. 

Frances, the main character, is gifted a trip to Italy as she is going through a difficult time in life, and she intuitively purchases a rural Tuscan villa while on the trip. (I then understood why Christine insisted that I watch it!)

This scene from the movie…..wrecked me. In such a good way. 

Frances is lamenting about the villa remodel, and she says, “I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, ‘You idiot! You’re the stupidest woman in the world. You bought a house for a life you don’t even have!’” 

The Semmering Railway. 

“They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew that someday, the train would come.”

Y’all know that I’m already Googling “travel to Semmering…” 

Dream it. 

Pay attention to your gut telling you, “Hell, YES!” and “Hell, NO!”

Live.

Embrace the “Meant” meetings.

Look expectantly for the next right thing. 

It’s there for us. It shows up.

We just have to get out of our own way.