Cali Journey

People who know me well know that one of my absolute favorite movies is Eat, Pray, Love. One day, as I was walking across the grounds at Mount Madonna, I realized that I felt as if I were living out the movie. 

I was there, in part, for my own growth and healing. 

I had attended a ceremony that morning at the Sankat Mochan Hanuman Temple on the property and felt entranced as I heard the devotion of the crowds of people singing Arati songs and prayers. 

The entire experience within my training/retreat was transformative and accomplished my intention…to train in a powerful healing modality that I will offer to others as well as to experience the power of the treatment first-hand. The result is biologically proven to “open the heart” and re-establish “critical periods” reminiscent of a child’s ability to easily learn a new language or play an instrument. 

So, my real life “Pray” experience was more than I could have imagined it to be. 

As I arrived in Santa Barbara to my friend, Christine’s home, we set out on a planned itinerary that she had carefully curated. 

We spent much time looking across the ocean, meandering through shops and quaint towns, visiting her favorite restaurants and neighborhood stops. 

We drove up to wineries, drove down to Malibu where I bought a hat off a woman's head (😁), stayed in Ojai (this was my favorite, which of course led me to dream of creating another Hope Springs location in the little downtown area), went to an amazing wine/chocolate/charcuterie dinner around a farm table with 12 strangers who became friends in a garden behind a Spanish villa. 

It sounds like a dream, and it was. I could not have enjoyed any part of this trip more, and there is no way that I could have planned it out. This was the first time ever that I have literally moved from moment to moment trusting that it was “the next right thing,” and it was perfect. 

Last night, Christine and I walked down to State Street in Santa Barbara and enjoyed the beauty of that area as we shopped and dined for our last time together on this trip. As we walked back to her house, we could see the moon in front of us as the sounds of a Beatles tribute band serenaded us from the Santa Barbara Bowl as it echoed throughout the valley.

 

Christine said that she had not eaten so much in such a short period of time as she had since I arrived on Tuesday. I agreed. We were stuffed.

Definitely my “Eat” era within the whole Eat, Pray, Love theme!

As I was drifting to sleep last night, I thought about the similarities between this trip and the movie, and I remembered the trip to Italy that I bought last month at the Walton County Chamber of Commerce BBQ & Bourbon event! 

My friend, Mindy, went with me, and I had downloaded the auction bidding app as we entered the event. The trip to Cortona was screaming at me every time we walked around the silent auction items, and I pulled it up on my app. Mindy came alongside at one point and whispered, “DO IT.” 

“Nooooooooooo…….I can’t do that.” 

As the night wore on, we came back around the auction items as we each had several bids going, and I stopped yet again in front of the Cortona, Italy display. 

“DO IT!” Mindy said again. 

I stood there. Staring at the display board. 

“Under the Tuscan Sun…..” she whispered.

Without thinking, I hit “Bid Now!” and the trip was mine. 

So, I know what you’re thinking….the “Love” part. 

That’s already all around me. That has been interwoven throughout!

So…. On to Italy!!!🇮🇹 (and now that those "Critical Periods" have been reopened, I can learn Italian!)

Journeys- Day Whatever!

 Leaving the retreat yesterday, Dr. Dansky said “This is not ‘Goodbye’ but simply a long ‘Hello.’” 

Whew. Yes. I feel that. 

This community that was created this past week is just beginning. 

I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude today.

For the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream that I wasn’t even aware needed to be a dream…but my soul felt it as I experienced it. 

For the 17 mile drive through Pebble Beach that I got sidetracked on (Shocker! 🤪) and only made it like 8 miles, but enjoyed every “rabbit trail!”

For the ability to explore the quaint storybook village of Carmel-by-the-sea last night and then end my day watching the sun set on the pacific coast.

For the drive down to Big Sur today and especially for my current view. 

A friend last night commented to me “It’s what dreams look like.”

My response was, “It’s real. We create our dreams.”

We do. ❤️

“Journeys”- Day 8

What a bittersweet day. 

There is no way to describe the closeness that develops within a group of people when you are practicing such healing work on each other….Willingly bringing our deepest lingering traumas to the table in the name of educating ourselves and others so that we can offer more complete healing to ourselves first and then those that we serve. 

That’s what I love the most about experiential trainings. The practice work on each other is sacred and offers us grace and freedom within our practice work prior to “practicing” with clients. We are willingly placing ourselves under each other’s care as “lab rats” in a way…

It is beautiful. 

Yesterday, I served as the Clinician for my peer. 

Just as in our typical protocol within EMDR work, we settled in, established her history, target, negative and positive cognitions, etc. Then, we placed her headphones so that she could spend 15 minutes listening to BrainTap to get her brain into Alpha/Theta waves while she used a Ketamine lozenge. 

The EMDR reprocessing experience was a much deeper, faster “movement” reprocessing. 

Naturally, the Ketamine works to remove the “defenses” that hold us in that “protective” state of holding the deeper truths. 
Without going into great detail here, I will say that I will 1000% encourage some clients to consider this option as a healing modality, and others, I may request that we build up to the option of that level of vulnerability. 

Overall, I’m beyond excited about what this treatment is going to add to our ability to heal.   

So, today, I say “See you later” to people who have become friends and who know some of my deepest trauma histories just as I know theirs. 

We hold each other with honor and respect along with a lot of tears and laughter. 

I will forever be grateful.

We ended our “Integration” group time last night on the same nightly deck overlooking the Monterey Bay watching the sun set. Last night, though, we expressed our gratitude for each other’s presence there with words and a spiraled-in group hug. One of my group members looked me in the eyes afterwards, and laughingly said, “Welcome to California!” 

Yes, the vibe most definitely resonates with me. Yet, that vibe is true of the people that I tend to spend my time with no matter where I am! When we’re in our “right energy”, the “right energy” naturally comes around us. I do love California, though. 🥰

I’ll travel today further south to Pebble Beach, Carmel-by-the Sea, and Big Sur before spending the night in Carmel. 
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the “communal living” culture here at Mount Madonna, and I do believe that I have cleansed significantly with 5 days of a vegetarian diet! 
And, ALSO…..I’m in search of a filet and a glass of red tonight! (Shhhhh….☺️)

The Sunsets from the deck during our group Integration time each night.

Breathtaking. ❤️

“Journeys”- Rabbits…

 Last year was a key year in my own personal healing journey. In May, two of my closest friends, Lindsay and Alexis, stepped in and supported me with their presence and reiki as I realized that many things in my world needed to shift. 

Once they were finished with the reiki session, Alexis said, “What’s up with you and rabbits?? I just kept feeling like there was something up with bunnies???”

No…I had no idea where she might have picked up a “bunny vibe,” but it didn’t resonate with me. 

Then, the following week, Lindsay texted me a photo of some pictures that Felicia and Amber had hanging in the massage room. 

“Did you know these were in here???” She asked.

I had no idea. The following week, I found a bunny “pin” in my computer bag. 

                                                                                                                    

 

The next week, I bought a house, and when I went to get the utilities in my name after closing, there were bunny pictures all over the walls in the utility department. 

   

Over and Over throughout the year, bunnies showed up….Almost always when I had reached another level of healing using EMDR with my own personal therapist. 

Clients would bring in things that were related to rabbits, and only my close friends knew that this “theme” had been emerging. 

Crazy, right? 

Insignificant? 

I don’t believe in coincidences, yet I couldn’t make sense of it, so it just became humorous as more and more bunnies showed up throughout the year. 

Yesterday, I experienced a ketamine combined with EMDR session. I’ve done a lot of work on all of my trauma targets and cleared them for the most part with the exception of the negative cognition that I identified the other day that still had a bit more “lingering than clearing.”

 

Once I got in and started the EMDR bi-lateral stimulation yesterday, though, my target immediately changed to something that I didn’t expect. 

But, there it was. 

I couldn’t get away from it. 

So, we went with it. 

As it turns out, that was the major piece that needed to be healed in order for all of the cleared targets to tie together. All of that work that I had done over the year had been so purposeful, and yet I couldn’t see how the target that showed up yesterday was affecting me until the ketamine did it’s job and lowered the defenses that were previously blocking that memory. 

After we finished our session yesterday, I walked over to the bookstore at the retreat center. 

This was the first thing that I saw when I walked in the door. 

I immediately picked it up and bought it without much thought. 

After dinner, I felt a bit restless, and we still needed to reconvene to have our “integration” time as a group. I came to my room and opened up the book wondering why I had never read it to my boys. As many books as we read through the years, and this was not one of them?! 

No, it was just for me. For this moment.

“When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.” (Said the Skin Horse)
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” (The Velveteen Rabbit)
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

I read this portion to my group when we met for integration after dinner. My peer partner was in tears as she finally spoke and said, “There was a bunny that hopped behind you right as you started your processing!” 

Of course there was. Signs and wonders. They are always there if we are just willing to see them.

“Journeys”- Day Six

 Yesterday, I was a “sitter” for my peer partner as they “journeyed.”  The first half of each training day, we hear from Dr. Dansky and Dr. Black as we learn about the practice, and the second half is spent with the experiential piece. 
Just like in EMDR, when someone is in Phase 4 of Desensitization and they are receiving bilateral stimulation of the brain, we, as therapists, are active participants in the client’s process. We are assessing their wellbeing, their window of tolerance, we are intervening when necessary only in an effort to help our client to have a safe, positive healing experience. The same is true as we are serving with Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. 
After hearing others’ experiences of their “journeys” within my group on Thursday, experiencing it myself, and then watching the 7 people in the second half of our group “journey” today, I’m very much aware of and in awe of the way that the medicine itself creates neuroplasticity in our brains. 
This is simply a big, fancy word to say that we can “hit the reset button” and rewire our brains. 
EMDR creates this effect, as well, of course. Yet, the Ketamine journey can facilitate this process in deeper, less conscious ways. 
Today, we get to practice and experience the combination of both the Ketamine journey coupled with EMDR immediately following.  
I have said for years now that I feel so humbled to be a part of facilitating healing for my clients using EMDR. There is always that “miracle moment” that we, as therapists get to witness through that treatment modality. Now, I get to learn and practice how to integrate the insight gained and healing experienced through the deeper dive into the subconscious using Ketamine coupled with the desensitization, reprocessing and installation of a positive mind-shift change using EMDR. 
The “nerdy” side of me is literally giddy. 

“Journeys” - Day Five

 Yesterday began with my search for coffee at 6:00 a.m. I walked through the grounds, and finally found “Gourmet Organic Instant Coffee.” 

What?!

Doesn’t anyone else here have an addiction to coffee that needs to be met upon feet hitting the floor???

No, everyone else apparently can wait until breakfast is served at 8:30 a.m! 

I’m adjusting to the pace of this beautiful place. Those outside of the workshop are here for wellness and yoga, so much is removed to make space for that…television, meat, alcohol, and now coffee. I’m good with all of that with the exception of coffee! 

Within our training yesterday, those of us in Group “A” participated in our first Ketamine “journey.” A small part of me said (quietly to myself, and maybe to a few close friends…) “Do I REEAAALLLYYY need to experience this before offering it as a therapy???”

Yes. I did.

After a full morning of teaching time about Ketamine and the researched benefits of it, there were beautiful “nests” set up for us within the training room, and the space was a “container” as it was resourced to provide safety and comfort. 

We started the “journey” by swishing on ketamine lozenges after we listened to 417 HZ music through headphones in order to help our brains to slow down and relax. After 20 minutes of this part, we each laid down in our “nest” and a “sitter” was alongside us to monitor and assist through the “journey.” 

The training is hosted by Dr. David Dansky, his wife Mars Lang, and Dr. Lisa Black and her husband, Adam. Dr. Dansky has been an ER physician for 40 years, and he began offering Ketamine within his private practice years ago. Dr. Black has been partnering with him for the past 3 years in combining the psychotherapy integration. 

As I laid down in my “nest”, Dr. Dansky administered an IM dose of Ketamine. 

Just like EMDR, I had a target disturbing memory that I had already set up as well as the negative and positive cognition connected to that memory. 

My positive cognition that I needed to focus on based on my target memory was “My needs matter, and I can find people that I can trust to join me in meeting those needs and I can rest in that trust.” (I’m very much aware of my hyper-independence and the reasons for it as I’ve done much EMDR work over the past few years related to this.)

I’ll hit the “highlights” of my experience. Anytime I have ever had a dose of nitrous oxide, I had a very similar experience of sinking into this “other realm” where everything feels weightless and mostly peaceful. Interestingly, the first thing that I noticed was a “song” that was familiar. My song. The same one that was playing each time I’ve had nitrous oxide and the same one that used to play in my head when I was a little girl trying to go to sleep when my adrenaline was high. I thought, “Oh, there it is! My song!” I had never realized that it was there within each of those experiences until yesterday. It was comforting. 

Dr. Black had given me a prompt prior to my “journey” after speaking with me regarding my target memory and positive/negative cognitions. She said, “If it feels right to you, invite others around your ‘table’ who can serve to resource you in embracing this desire to trust others.” 

Immediately, my Pa (maternal grandfather whom I was SUPER close to), my friend that is deceased that showed up in my “Ugg map search” just the day before, another friend that has passed, and Felicia (my friend and massage therapist at my office) showed up around my table. We were all in a meeting seeking to help me to “let go” and trust myself to determine who is trustworthy as I go through my life. 

My Pa was clearly in charge, and I always trusted him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Felicia showed up with her full energy saying, “Hell, yes! Let’s do this! We’ve been waiting on this!!” (Felicia has been a huge part of my healing journey through the years.)

There were no specific words…Only the sense that I was to trust the “process” of life and the awareness that they were all there to support me and guide things “behind the scene.” 

Dr. Dansky came back some time later and pulled back my headphone to ask how I was doing and if I’d like to continue the “journey.” At first, I responded that I didn’t know. (I was still following my Pa around attempting to gain his wisdom, yet he kept walking with me but telling me energetically that I already knew.) 

The second time Dr. Dansky asked me if I’d like to continue, I said, “Yes.” So, he administered another IM dose of Ketamine. 

I then experienced a deeper “sinking in”, and everything was dark. I had a significant dissociative effect where I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. I wondered if I would be able to get back to my body/reality. Then, I wondered if everything (life, my body, me as a human) was, in fact, real. I could still think about my children, so I knew that they existed. Yet, it seemed that we were all somehow a part of another dimension, and I knew it was real, but I also questioned if it was real. 

“Well, I guess this is my life now.” 

That felt scary, so I felt myself reaching out my right hand, then I felt Mars grab my hand and assure me that I was not alone. That brought me right back to the comforting reality that I was real and that this was just an experience.  At one point, Dr. Black, also assured me with “You’re doing great.” That gave me the comfort in knowing that all that was happening was supposed to be happening.

This illustrates the BIGGEST point that when you do engage in a “journey”, having someone there therapeutically supporting you is the most important part of the experience. Otherwise, we would end up in potential fear rather than being able to journey in a more healing manner. 

As we sat on the back deck as a group last night “integrating” the experience, I noted to the group the significance of Mars holding my hand at that moment and Dr. Black assuring me with words. 

As we were reflecting on that, Mars said, “Sherie, you seem so poised and ‘self-contained’. I hesitated to offer my hand to you, but you reached out for it.” 

I responded with shock and then remembrance. 

Did I reach out for someone???  Yes, I remembered that I did. 

I then noted that my willingness to even reach out and indicate a need was something that I wouldn’t have done even last year. It has been through my own EMDR work that I’ve been willing and able to ask for help/state a need. 

So, how much more healing was it that I did reach out during that “journey” yesterday, and then Mars and Dr. Black filled that need. 

Remember that my positive cognition that I chose to hold based on my target disturbing memories was “My needs matter, and I can find people that I can trust to join me in meeting those needs and I can rest in that trust.”

Today, that positive cognition feels more true, and I do trust in my own discernment more and more as I receive “my people” who I can practice more INTERDEPENDENCE with as opposed to my lifelong INDEPENDENCE that was mostly rooted in trauma. 

What a beautiful healing experience that took my EMDR work much deeper than I could have imagined!