“It’s Complicated…”

“What does that even mean?!” 

 I scrolled through Facebook probably 10 years ago, observing all of the “It’s Complicated” relationship statuses, and I probably said something like “Can you even call it a ‘relationship’ if it’s ’complicated’?!”  

Then, I divorced. 

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the level of pain and grief that going through that caused. I have nothing but grace for people as they navigate all of the emotions following such a trauma…including the unhealthy ways in which we may choose to cope. 

 The way that we “cope” doesn’t feel like a “choice” really when we are in the middle of the experience. And, it isn’t in a lot of ways…when we experience something traumatic, our brain goes into “fight or flight” mode, and the prefrontal cortex (our reasoning center) is paused (from an evolutionary perspective, this is great! 

Otherwise, we may “think” too much, and not be able to react immediately when there is an actual threat.) Yet, when we are in “survival” mode following something like divorce, unhealthy coping gets in the way of healing. 

 There are soooooooo many people who stumble down that unhealthy coping path for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, many “do the work” and heal enough to have a healthy partnership in the future. 

This is what is weighing on me so heavily right now….for my generation and subsequent generations, it is so easy to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms which then become addictions. 

When I was in the “dating” stage of life in my teens and 20’s, we were fully engaged in the moment. There were few distractions…especially growing up in a small town. 

We went to grab something to eat, met up with friends (maybe! 🤭), and ended nights with lingering goodbyes on a front porch. My generation typically followed this idealistic trajectory of dating, getting married, having children, etc. 

Now, I believe, in large part because of our digital society, it is so much more difficult for people to meet each other because it is more comfortable for them to retreat at home and scroll on phones. 

So, this became a problem for my generation. 

First with the introduction of cell phones, social media, the internet…and the problem isn’t with those things. 

The problem is with our lack of boundaries with them. 

We are the problem. Our choices are the problem.

Easy access to technology meant that it became easy to reconnect with a past lover and even easier to find a new one if you didn’t like what was happening in the current relationship.  

And, then came the addictions…to the validation of “likes”, to “keeping up with the Joneses” on “steroids” as we compared our families with the perfectly staged photos on social media, to the dopamine hits of scrolling, to continually seeking “more” and ultimately not feeling satisfied with life. 

We’ve passed that “threat to peace and real connection” along to our children by handing them a device.  

So, now, they struggle to meet people, feel lonely and isolated. They wonder how they will find a partner that they can trust when they know all of the options available to them that can cause broken hearts in a day and time when getting a divorce is commonplace. 

My friend, Mindy, and I went to a couple of concerts this past month. At both concerts, we were seated in the front row in front of the “pit.” We had a “front row seat” to all of the couples taking selfies and asking others to take their photos. 

What we witnessed made me sad. 

The couples weren’t enjoying the experience and each other. In fact, there were times that we saw them angry at each other as they continued to retake photos much to the dismay of their frustrated friends who were not professional photographers! 

I literally watched one couple get so angry that they couldn’t get the “right” photo that they both stormed off in different directions. 

I first noticed this “trend” when I went to a concert with my oldest son last month. I nudged him as I had been watching a couple in front of us seemingly arguing and very obviously not happy to be there together, yet one of them wanted a photo to commemorate this event. They magically transformed into this couple with smiles on their faces as they held the pose, then turned to each other for a “kiss”….(intentionally placed in quotation marks as what I observed was not MY definition of a kiss.) As soon as one of them snapped the held pose while side-eyeing the phone, they both rushed in to view the photo for approval, then were back to their seats turned away from each other with ice growing between them. 

I asked my youngest son this week if he thought his generation would be the one to turn things back around. He’s doubtful. 

People, in general, are miserable as they navigate empty relationships and lack of genuine connection. 

Yet, it is going to take discipline and much working through dopamine addictions to be able to develop authentic partnerships. 

I used to think “Gahhhhhhhhh….🙄 Just stay out of relationship if it’s complicated!” 

Now that I have experienced the very unnatural feeling of “dating” at this stage of life after divorce and raising my children, I get it. 

Everything feels complicated. 

Navigating the life history, meeting families and children of your dating partner, unhealed traumas from childhood, adulthood, marriage….then, add in the phone/device misuse, and yeah…Complicated. 

Doing the work to help ourselves to heal not only helps us to be ready for healthy partnership, but it also protects those along the way that may become “casualties” of our healing process. It helps our children to see us modeling health even through one of the most traumatic experiences that we could experience as humans. 

We have to give ourselves grace through the process. 

It’s messy most of the time. (Remember that our reasoning ability is not working well through it!) 

Initially, we tend to gravitate towards what we feel like we have been lacking the most. 

This is dangerous, because we then tend to make decisions quickly while we’re still trying to heal that void which needs to be healed within ourselves rather than through external means. 

As we give ourselves grace, it’s also important to realize the lessons learned through the experiences. 

I haven’t dated much for many reasons…mainly, I was fully responsible for raising my children by myself, so they have been my main focus, and any relationship that I explored had to consider my children first. 

The lessons have been many, and the serious relationship that I ended last year taught me the most. 

We were “fire” from the beginning. Anywhere we went, our energy together was contagious. 

We played hard. 

We danced spontaneously whether we were in the kitchen, an event, or the grocery store. 

We laughed a lot, worked projects together seamlessly, and ultimately, I knew throughout the relationship that he was in my life mirroring pieces of my childhood that I still had trauma to heal from. 

I didn’t want that to be true during it, but deep down, I knew that it was. 

The couple of other brief dating experiences following that relationship, I saw things from the beginning that caused me to say to myself (and to them), “That’s not ok.” or “This is not going to work.” And, from those experiences, I learned to trust my gut more quickly. 

It has never lied. 

I was just reluctant to listen. 

So, to all you “It’s Complicated” statuses out there….I see you. 

 And, also….there is nothing but grace for your journey. 

Now, let’s get off of our devices and go do some “front porch sittin’” with friends, neighbors, family.  

Real connection is what we all crave. It doesn’t exist on a screen.

That’s Love…

 That’s Love….

I grew up with a strong fear of abandonment. In large part, for that reason, I chose romantic partners and ultimately, my husband, because they felt “secure.” I didn’t worry about them leaving. 

As I’ve worked on healing that fear over the past several years, I’ve been willing to acknowledge that it’s worth the risk of heartbreak to be vulnerable enough to find “true love.” 

Then, over the past several months, as I’ve said in previous posts, I realized that I was ready to release all of my relationships to The Universe and relinquish control. 

Around that same time, I hired a trainer that would manage a nutrition wellness routine along with my in-person, physical training that I had already been doing for the past 6 months. 

What I’ve found is that “True Love” looks very different than what I imagined. 

As I began to attend to the responsibilities imposed by my paid accountability partners, I started my day with a fasted walk on the treadmill of anywhere between 1.5 to 4 miles (depending on activities of the previous night. 🤪)

I, then, go back to the gym in the late afternoon to get in my weight lifting. 

Anyone that knows me knows that eating is the farthest thing from my mind, so the hardest part of the entire routine has been to develop regular eating habits. 

One morning after getting up and going to the gym for my fasted walk, I got home, cooked my breakfast, took all of my vitamins and looked at the clock on the oven. 

11:00 a.m.

My immediate thought was, “I can’t believe that it’s 11:00 a.m.! I haven’t gotten anything done!” 

Thankfully, my next thought was, “Wow. I can’t believe that I consider caring for myself doing ‘nothing.’”

That’s when my mindset started to shift. 

I already knew myself well enough to know that nature soothes and nurtures my soul. I’ve spent countless hours in my Eno hammock and wandering all over my land and marsh that I purchased in November. Someone recently asked me, “So, you’ve built something there on the property, then?!” My immediate answer was, “Absolutely, not!” That would take the carefree nature away and introduce responsibility. No, I’ve spent time watching the movement of the wind through the trees, reading, journaling, writing, watching a hummingbird hover about a foot above my head and then land on a branch directly over me (have you ever seen a hummingbird still?!) 

But, caring for my physical body by actually feeding it on a regular basis and consistently building muscle was new to me. 

The next day that I went into the gym, I was consciously aware of the mirror directly in front of the treadmill. As I stepped onto the belt, I looked into the mirror, and I couldn’t help but crack a grin. I was doing it. Something for myself. I realized that after all of the years of raising my boys alone, they were now adults….and something had shifted. I felt a bit of room for adding in something that would enable me to continue to not only serve others well by enhancing my health overall, but it was truly the first time that I can remember giving myself time and attention consistently. 

That walk on the treadmill was different as I stared into my own eyes…and didn’t look away. I stared at myself as I silently spoke words of strength and gratitude. I thanked God for His strength and sustenance over these years that have been consumed with demands on my time, energy, heart, sleep…..and, it’s all ok…

Yet, looking into that mirror, I felt stronger.

I felt complete. 

At peace.

I realized that if we don’t find love for the person in the mirror, then we have nothing but a “needy person” to offer someone else. You may be familiar with the book entitled, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This author also published a book specifically on the Mastery of Love!

“Heal your half, and you are going to be happy. If you can heal that part of you, then you are going to be ready for a relationship without fear, without need.” (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love, p. 89)

Attending to my check-ins with my trainer, showing up with my physical trainer, actually feeding my body and seeing the physical results of that have deepened my care for myself and my value. 

Despite all of the years that I poured into my education, working, raising my children, this is the first time that I have committed to myself. 

“If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need.” (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love, p. 95.)

Along with this commitment to myself, I realized that I have been carefully cultivating my people and genuinely deep relationships over these past few years. My people have truly shown up and my circle is close and tight. 

My last post was about my “chance” meeting of my friend, Christine. She flew into Atlanta last week for a visit. All of my friend group that I see on a regular basis showed up to celebrate friendship, life, and love. 

Right before this photo was taken, I said, “Y’all!!! I just feel so grateful right now. All of my “people” are here.” They knew it was important to me. They showed up. 

That’s love. 

Seeing my boys grow up and recognizing that we have adult conversations now. They have wisdom and insight to offer. We laugh and play and enjoy each other’s company even more. 

That’s love. 

I realize now that healing doesn’t look like avoiding love or actively searching for love. 

It looks like loving yourself and loving the life that you’ve created. 

The Semmering

 The Semmering

In March of 2024, I was on a plane bound for New Orleans to present at a conference. We were grounded in Pensacola due to weather in New Orleans. 

8:00 a.m., and we were sitting on a plane with the pilot providing updates every 30 minutes as to the state of clearance to continue on the journey. 

After 3 “no go” announcements, I declared to the stranger beside me that I was NOT spending my day sitting in the Pensacola airport if they disembarked us. 

I started “Googling” Pensacola beach resorts. 

Two hours after landing, we disembarked, and I already had an Uber waiting as I was on my phone booking a room at The Pensacola Beach Resort (the literal name!) as I rolled through the airport. 

The Uber driver was a college student who wanted to major in Psychology and become a counselor. I coached her on programs to explore, and she cried as she had been contemplating just quitting school until she “figured it out”, yet she said our meeting was a “sign from the Universe” to keep going. Yes. There are no accidents.

I arrived at the resort around noon, went straight to the resort restaurant, and sat overlooking the storm rolling in with a glass of wine and food (eating is not my first inclination, yet that day, I was paying attention to me…my needs…saying “yes” to what I felt like doing without overthinking it.) 

As I sat and reflected on life at the moment, I had a sense of exhausted sadness mixed with peace and hope. I was in a year-long relationship that I knew I had to end, yet the timing didn’t feel right. I was working a lot, raising/supporting my precious young men, and I felt like I was at the end of a rope that was frayed/charred/breaking, yet I was still frantically grasping for a grip. 

I noticed a couple of women at the other side of the restaurant, and I smiled at one of them as our eyes caught. She continued to glance at me occasionally and smile, and her energy felt contagious. 

After lingering at lunch for a couple of hours, I made my way up to my room and stood in the quiet room watching the storm rage against the glass. 

I laid down on the bed and watched the lightening dance across the monstrous waves. 

Three hours later, I woke up and bolted upright wondering where I was and what had happened given that I NEVER nap! My mind and body was simply done. Feeling revived more than I could’ve ever imagined, I changed clothes, put myself “together” a bit, and headed downstairs with my laptop to work. I landed in a big overstuffed chair overlooking the raging storm over the ocean and attempted to force myself to open emails. 

Minutes later, I saw the two women from earlier in the restaurant come into the lobby and also curl up in the big comfy chairs near me. After about 15 minutes, the same woman that had smiled at me earlier came over to me and said, “I don’t want to disturb you, but I just wanted you to know that you have such beautiful energy! I’m Carolyn!”

I smiled and said, “I thought the same thing about you earlier!” 

She introduced me to her sister, Christine, who waved to me from her spot in her chair, and we all briefly noted that none of us were “supposed” to be in Pensacola. I was supposed to be in New Orleans, and they were supposed to be in Alabama for a funeral. We were all traveling from different parts of the country…Georgia, California, Maryland. 

“Are you going to dinner?” Carolyn inquired…”Join us if you’d like!” 

I replied that I would go to the same restaurant as earlier (traveling anywhere in that storm was out of the question), but it would be a bit because I “needed” to respond to some emails. She bounded off to the restaurant with Christine leaving the invitation to join open if I wanted. 

As I sat with my emails, still feeling that inclination to just allow myself to go with my desires, I closed my laptop and decided to find them. 

As I walked across through the lobby, I could see them inside the open restaurant facing me both seated on the same side of the table, and Carolyn is excitedly waving me towards them.

We must have sat there for 3 or 4 hours sharing about our lives, eating, sharing bottles of wine, laughing, and even crying over life.

I shared with them at some point during the night about my “spiritual” side…the ability to “know” intuitively and “see” things that I now trust is a God-given gift.

At some point during the night, the man that I was in a relationship with FaceTimed me, and I “introduced” him to Carolyn and Christine. 

I pulled up photos of us together after that and showed them one of my favorites. 

Christine’s response after a moment of hesitation was “It makes sense.” 

I felt cold chills go down my spine as I heard the words. Those were the same words that I had said to a friend the week before as I was reflecting on my relationship with him….”I don’t know if there is actually love there or if it just makes sense.” I didn’t respond to her comment, but my mind was stuck on the words.

Later, as the waitress brought our bills, I pulled out my glasses and put them on, and I heard Christine audibly gasp. 

I looked up at her….“What???” 

She looked like she had seen a ghost. 

She hesitantly said, “Ok…because you shared with us about your “spiritual” side, this may not freak you out….” 

She then shared that her travel to Pensacola the day before had been filled with many flight changes, and on the last “leg” of her trip, she collapsed into her seat on the plane, leaned her head back and closed her eyes. 

The woman in the seat in front of her dropped a sweater that landed on the tip of Christine’s foot. She said that she shouldn’t have even noticed because it was so lightweight, yet her eyes popped open, and the first thing that she saw was an image of my face with my glasses on. 

She sat there staring at me…I stared at her for a moment, and I said, “I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I believe you. But, what does that mean?” 

Neither of us knew…but we knew that our meeting was no accident. 

The next morning, I rented a car to drive to New Orleans. I decided to rent a Tesla so that I could explore how it felt to drive an electric car. I started to go back and exchange it for a gas powered vehicle as I stood there for 10 minutes just trying to figure out how to get into the thing. Then, as I attempted to orient myself to it before putting it in motion, I noticed a “Recording” notification on the screen. 😳

Wait, I’m being recorded?! 

I press the screen over the word, and it stops recording. 

Then, seconds later, it’s back. I’m like, “Well, whoever watches this is going to need to filter it heavily!” 🤯

I proceed and start my trek only to see that GPS is taking me off at an exit only 30 miles away. 

What? Why?! 

Thank God that I didn’t do normal “Sherie-fashion” and ignore that directive because it didn’t make sense to me. 

If I hadn’t have exited and re-charged from 80% to full 100%, I would’ve never made it to New Orleans because there wasn’t another charging station until I reached my destination. I sat there at the charging station cussing electric cars and re-routed my destination to the rental car agency to drop off that headache 3 days early. 

While I sat, I thought about Christine’s “It makes sense” comment…so, I called her. 

“Hey, what did you mean by ‘it makes sense’?”

“It was the nicest thing that I could say.”

She went on to say that she didn’t know why those words came out..they were just there. 

I knew. It was confirmation. The words that I spoke the week before. Nothing happens by accident. 

Christine has continued to be an intuitive voice that has supported me through many transitions and just life in general since that “meant” meeting last year. 

I always believe and trust in the fact that everything that happens and where we end up in any given moment is God-directed if we are going with our gut and flowing with the natural movement of the universe as it charts our course. 

Forcing things, feeling conflicted within space or relationships, that feeling of frustration and exhaustion…..This is NOT the natural order of things. 

There is so much peace in trusting in God’s beautiful orchestration of our lives. If I hadn’t allowed myself to “go with it” on that trip, I would have been overthinking it, would have probably made myself wait out the plane clearance in the Pensacola airport, I wouldn’t have met Christine and Carolyn, and I may not have had the courage and support to make all the necessary changes last year that ultimately led to more healing personally than I can even believe. 

I was on the phone with Christine this past Friday night, and I mentioned to her about my intuitive ability when purchasing real estate. (A blog post for another day….)

She exclaimed, “Oh, you need to watch Under the Tuscan Sun!” 

I said, “It’s been so long since I’ve watched that! I’m going to get out of the tub and go watch it!” 

And, I did. 

Frances, the main character, is gifted a trip to Italy as she is going through a difficult time in life, and she intuitively purchases a rural Tuscan villa while on the trip. (I then understood why Christine insisted that I watch it!)

This scene from the movie…..wrecked me. In such a good way. 

Frances is lamenting about the villa remodel, and she says, “I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, ‘You idiot! You’re the stupidest woman in the world. You bought a house for a life you don’t even have!’” 

The Semmering Railway. 

“They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew that someday, the train would come.”

Y’all know that I’m already Googling “travel to Semmering…” 

Dream it. 

Pay attention to your gut telling you, “Hell, YES!” and “Hell, NO!”

Live.

Embrace the “Meant” meetings.

Look expectantly for the next right thing. 

It’s there for us. It shows up.

We just have to get out of our own way.

“Sails”

 Within my last blog post, I got more honest and vulnerable acknowledging that my “love life” was an area where I have never been willing to relinquish control.  

It provided accountability to me to have it “out there” as a piece of my life to “release.” 

And, also…people started responding to my vulnerability. I have been shocked by some of the things that have happened and comments made as a result of people reading “glimpses of ‘my’ heart!” 

There were at least 10 people over these past 2 weeks who texted, called, or told me in person something to the effect of “I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you this, but….”  

Well, I know! When we get out of the way, The Spirit speaks! 

I tend to describe our “stuff” in this way to my clients: All of us have things from our past that are disturbing to us. We may be consciously aware of it or not. It is still there somewhere in our bodies and our subconscious space whether or not we’re consciously aware. We may not understand why we do the things that we do and how they are impacting our lives and relationships, but you can bet that there is likely something from our past that has created a negative belief about ourselves that is leading that charge.

I describe us, as humans, as mostly living in our head-space (cognitive) versus our heart-space (subconscious truth.) 

See…we can tell ourselves anything, ruminate over and over about situations or our next course of action….but our truth is generally “neck down.” In our subconscious “heart space.” Note that this “truth” may not be TRUE about us….but it is genuinely what we subconsciously “feel” to be true…positive or negative, for better or worse!

That “heart space”….where we are tenderly hiding that negative belief about ourselves or messages that we have accepted from others tends to speak softly yet convincingly. 

Recognize that our “heart space” generally needs healing from all of the “growing up” years and relationships. It may tell us we’re “not enough” or that EVERYTHING is our fault….once we realize what we’re accepting as our “truth”, though, we can start healing and changing that narrative to our GENUINE truth…who we know ourselves to be or we may just discover who we were created to be in the first place.

This is what I KNOW happens to us when we get “out of our head” and start living within our “heart space”….as we become more vulnerable, we quickly see who in our current “circle” is emotionally safe versus who we feel the need to be guarded with. It is then up to us to clean up our “circle” so that we cultivate as much emotional safety as possible. 

This is the only way to thrive. 

It takes strength, and it is not a weakness. 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

— Brené Brown

Getting out of our head and surrendering to what is “meant” for us makes room for people to be used by God to speak into our situation and circumstance…and ultimately to bring the right answers and the genuine truth to our reality. 

So, this “manifesting love” piece…

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

— Brené Brown

I love Brené Brown’s teachings on shame and vulnerability. Read that last line of the last quote again….”Love can only survive those kind of injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and RARE.” One of the things that shocked me over the past weeks is how frequently I heard people who are married or in a committed partnerships express that they ALSO want their “Person.” 

Why??? 

Because they are neglected, injured mentally, emotionally or physically, and are starving from a lack of connectedness…and they feel stuck in the situation. 

As humans, we are likely to unintentionally “injure” our “Person” just by being human…when it’s a pattern (NOT rare), we have to determine what changes need to be made in order to thrive. 

I’m so thankful that over the years, I made changes. 

I learned how to carefully cultivate “my people.” 

Those who love me when I’m “on”, when I’m “off”, who give grace for my mistakes, and those who love the fun, wild, and crazy Sherie along with the version of me that propels towards visions and dreams faster than a caffeinated squirrel on a sugar high! (Thankfully, Lindsay, our COO, has prevented many catastrophes as a result!) 

As I’m learning to “let go,” God has given me confirmations and reminders of love over and over again….

A renewed connection with a long-time friend who knew just how to speak into my own personal life with historical knowledge that was needed for managing present emotions.

Daily experiences of “randomly” seeing people that I haven’t seen in a long time and feeling the joy of catching up. 

Someone who has known me in “bits and pieces” over many years just from living/working/playing in the same town…this person had a song that reminded them of me, so we MADE time to sit and listen to it when they told me about it…MAKE TIME. That song was mine and has held me all week.

Someone who had a life-changing experience within EMDR, and when they read my post and watched my reel, they reached out after weeks of feeling the need to and shared the same visual with me that had supported them so well within their healing work with me. It was exactly what I needed, and it was right on time. 

Over and over again….Love showing up in concrete ways.

We just have to release…and The Universe rushes in. 

This song was gifted to me in the midst of Brooks‘s graduation weekend in the middle of all the celebrating. 

It was right on time, and you know wanna know why??? 

…because I made space for it energetically. 

…because I made space, and that enabled a friend to hear that it was for me.

…then we made time for it in the moment by seizing the opportunity for me to receive it.

Click link:

Clear Out the Space!