Embracing the “Rebel”

 Most of my life, I have made decisions considering first what everyone around me wanted. 

When I was graduating from high school, my teacher, Mrs. Tommi Ward, asked me what I was going to do next so that she could write our graduation announcements. I was months away from graduation, and I had no idea what was next.

Her question prompted me, at 17 years old, to create a skeleton plan of my entire life. I always knew that I would be a counselor. I was a huge fan of the T.V. show, Growing Pains, when I was a kid, and I based my career path on the dad, Dr. Seaver, who was a Psychiatrist who practiced out of an office in his home. 

I didn’t even have a frame of reference regarding therapy and what that actually entailed, yet, I knew that this would be my life. I started “counseling” my dolls, and my pretend play as a child included the establishment of a counseling practice out of my little playhouse that my Dad built. I had “it all” in my childhood fantasy play. I was married to a handsome, successful man who was well-respected in our town, I was a Mom to two beautiful children, I had a thriving career that I was able to conduct from home while managing the house, the kids, the animals, the social calendar….

See? 

“It all.”

This vision for my future had been there in my subconscious “pretend world” for as long as I could remember, so my decision making process at 17 years old in order to answer Mrs. Ward’s question happened fairly quickly. 

I told her that I would go to college. 

I was a first generation college student, and I had never had anyone talk to me about college before, so I had some research ahead of me. My simple research design including polling all of my friends to determine where they were going, and then I made plans to apply to colleges where I knew that I would be able to carpool and work after school.  

Financially, I knew that this was my only option. I tease my Dad that he was “Dave Ramsey” before Dave Ramsey “made it”, and also that I wish that my Dad had built Financial Peace University! My Dad’s value regarding money was, “If I can’t pay cash for it, I don’t need it.” While this was an honorable value, it also meant that I was unable to qualify for any “need-based” scholarships or grants because he owed nothing, and qualifying was dependent on my parents’ information at that age. My college expense was not something that I would have ever asked him to provide even if that had been possible. I decided that I would not take out student loans myself because of the financial value system that he had instilled in me. 

So, I lived at home, worked, carpooled with friends to school, and paid for college. Everything felt very “regimented, structured, ‘on course’”….not in keeping with my natural personality in order for me to thrive. I can’t imagine what might have shifted in me/for me if, during those years, I had taken out even half of the costs in school loans and allowed myself room to be a 20-something-year-old college student who was not living like such a settled, responsible adult. 

Throughout those years, I continued to make decisions for my life based upon what I thought would make others happy, proud of me, and to be at peace. I occasionally had a “rebel moment” that allowed me to explore my ideal desires, so I did take out school loans at that point to go to graduate school out of state which was one of the best decisions of my life.

Even as a child, I was aware of my desire for adventure. I craved anything that was new and different. I was curious about life and wanted to experience it with arms wide open. Yet, I had parents with very conservative, traditional values that wanted for those arms to close gently, for me to slow down, take some irons out of the fire, and be calm.  The opposite of who I was. I gave it a good effort to fit that mold, yet my moments of allowing myself the freedom to be “me” often looked like rebellion. They were so happy when I started dating a “good”, stable, all-American boy who came from a good family with solid values. I was happy to see them happy. They were at peace and not worried about me. I wanted to give them that peace. 

My soul, however, longed for something different. I remember stepping into new religious experiences during early adulthood and discovering a book that began to change me. 

To acknowledge that Jesus, himself, was a rebel opened me so many pieces to embrace about myself that were exciting and new. Despite that, I wasn’t able yet to walk fully into what I knew that God was showing me. 

I chose to put my head down and go back into that “regimented, structured, ‘on course’” lifestyle through marriage and a professional career. Throughout the years after that, there was so much good that came from that time, and I’m so grateful. My then-husband and I developed career and life goals that looked very different from our family traditions. I shared with him my dreams of adventure and pursuit of “more” (not knowing what I even wanted that to look like), and he caught that energy and momentum, with me. We went forward in our careers progressing well, and then we started a family. We had big decisions to make regarding our decision to keep our children at home during the early years. We eventually decided that I would have the privilege of being there with my children for their every waking moment, and I considered it a “blessed sacrifice.” I still felt that “fire in the belly”, though, that had been longing to escape. 

I attempted to satisfy that “fire” through the pursuit of my Ph.D. 

Higher education was traditionally my “go to” to satisfy that quest for adventure given my responsibilities in life. It was in keeping with my overall life goals, and it checked all of the boxes that would qualify me as justified and accepted by all the would-be critics if I had chosen to pursue a less purposeful goal. Completing my Ph.D. was part of my life purpose, and it allowed me to become a professor at a university in addition to the counseling practice that I maintained. It fit into that “Dr. Seaver vision” for my future. 

I was happy, content, proud of how the vision was coming together, and yet I felt to the depths of my soul that there was more. The years leading to, during, and following my divorce are important to this story, but I’ll reserve for another day. 
The main awareness that I have been able to own through my healing journey, is that I have gone through life pouring water on my inner fire, and I just kept adding lanes to the path that I was on hoping that would fill some of the void. 
During my divorce, I knew that I needed and wanted to maintain stability for my children, so I dug in and started sprinting. I was successful in quickly building up to a similar lifestyle as my children were used to, yet we were all hurting so badly emotionally. That emptiness and hurt that we all felt was overwhelming. 

When an old friend came into my life at such a crossroads bearing the character of complete transparency, gentleness, and emotion, I was comforted and determined to continue the new path of freedom from the mental turmoil that was my life. Soothing the hurt with characteristics that had been missing may have provided balm for me and my children, but it also kept the wounds from healing. 

As I worked with my counselor and engaged in EMDR and Human Design work, I was slowly able to voice my own truth. The truth was that I knew that I was still trying to please everyone. Throughout life, I was unhealthy enough to state over and over my dissatisfaction with my current situation. It took a long time, however, to finally heal enough to have the courage to say, “No.” and actually change the situation itself.

One night, a year or so ago, my children and I sat down over pizza and we had a more “real” conversation than ever before. They both acknowledged that they knew that I was miserable and that I had been trying to make everyone happy including them at the expense of myself. They knew that I was trying to maintain that “regimented, structured, ‘on course’” path that looked “ok” to others yet wasn’t my path. That conversation freed me. I knew that they needed ME more than they needed all of the things that I was trying to provide including the comfort of people who could never fill the void that they and I felt…because that wasn’t possible for any human being to do. That was something that we each had to do on our own through our own healing work. I am thankful for the good that came from that time period, but out of my own brokenness, I had allowed it to go shockingly further than I can even believe as I think about it today. All because I would not voice my own truth with the ownership that it needed.

It was as if I were slowly walking away from a burning building that I had just watered with gas and swiped the match to. 

As I walked, I could feel the shackles falling off of me. There was a lot of pain through that process, though the freedom was exhilarating. 

It allowed me to enjoy the company of myself. 

I realized that I could do my favorite things solo. I found peace in that. All of the negative that had pulled the experiences down before was removed, and I could experience the freedom of pleasure. 

I treated myself to unique restaurants, exhibits, festivals, a concert, and it turns out that I’m a pretty amazing date! 😊

I experienced my children with a freedom and depth that had never been present before. This was GOOD. And also, I still acknowledged the ongoing feeling of being lonely. According to my human design, I’m designed for partnership. I have always owned that longing for “My Person.” The one that you could catch eyes with across the room and communicate volumes. That person that you feel such connection and intimacy with that you are left frequently catching your breath with the shock of moments that are inexplicable. Those “God winks” or “nods from the universe” that make you question a bigger force behind the relationship.
Until we learn and understand ourselves well, embrace who we are designed to be, and walk into that truth with full force, we will never reach our full potential. 

Why wouldn’t we go through life inviting in the very best that life has to offer us…the freedom to live in our purposeful design? 

Embracing the “Rebel”…which is always “different” than “average.”

The Circle Maker

 On December 4, 2022, the pastor leading the service at Athens Church suggested the book, Praying Circles around your Children by Mark Batterson (2012). I routinely open up Amazon and immediately “Buy Now” when I hear a book suggestion. This little book began to make such an impact as I felt even more assurance and empowerment in praying protection over my boys. 

It stems from the first century BC legend of a man named Honi. Honi was considered to be an eccentric sage (anyone that knows me well knows how that alone speaks to my soul!) He believed that God could hear the peoples’ prayers even when the majority felt forgotten by God. They were experiencing extreme drought in Jerusalem, and Honi employed his confidence in God’s willingness to respond to the needs of the people as he claimed his request for rain with a public display of faith. 

 With a six-foot staff in his hand, Honi began to turn like a math compass.   His circular movement was rhythmical and methodical. Ninety degrees. One hundred eighty degrees. Two hundred seventy degrees. Three hundred sixty degrees. He never looked up as the crowd looked on. After what seemed like hours but had only been seconds, Honi stool inside the circle he had drawn. Then he dropped to his knees and raised his hands to heaven. With the authority of the prophet Elijah, who called down fire from heaven, Honi called down rain: ‘Lord of the universe, I swear before Your great name that I will not move from this circle until You have shown mercy upon Your children.’
The words sent a shudder down the spines of all who were within earshot that day. It wasn’t just the volume of his voice; it was the authority of his tone. Not a hint of doubt. This prayer didn’t originate in the vocal cords. Like water from an artesian well, the words flowed from the depth of his soul. His prayer was resolute yet humble, confident yet meek , expectant yet unassuming. 
Then it happened. 

As his prayer ascended to the heavens, raindrops descended to the earth. An audible gasp swept across the thousands of congregants who had encircled Honi. Every head turned heavenward as the first raindrops parachuted from the sky, but Honi’s head remained bowed. The people rejoiced over each drop, but Honi wasn’t satisfied with a sprinkle.(Batterson, 2016, p. 11). 

The legend goes on to describe God’s willingness to pour out the heavens with more water than the people could have ever hoped for…above and beyond what was needed. 

Isn’t that just like our God? Our role in that relationship is to ask, believe, and place ourselves in a position of receiving. 

As powerful as this message was to me, I had my first experience applying this principle and experiencing God answering with a “downpour” in March,  2023, when I went to Colorado to teach live classes at the university where I have taught for 10 years. Over the past 6 years, it has been a definite challenge to balance my responsibilities for my children with the responsibilities of my career especially when it takes me out of town for work. Most often, I have transported them with me. Chase is now 20 years old and in college, Brooks (16) is my remaining child at home, yet he has responsibilities of his own at this stage of development. 

This particular trip, I was having difficulty determining how to cover everything. As a single mom, I’m blessed with my “people” to fill in here and there, and yet everyone has their own responsibilities, of course, so “parenting responsibilities” rest solely on my shoulders. Chase happened to be on spring break during one of the two weeks that I needed to be in Colorado. After much discussion with the boys, we all agreed that we had a good understanding of expectations and responsibilities if I allowed them to stay at home solo for the first time. 

All was well until one night when I had a moment of “mom-panic” out of nowhere. I was in my hotel room. It was around 9:30 MST, and I had this intrusive image of my children inside our home with a “human threat” outside of our home seeking to get in. This is not normal for me to have intrusive, panicked thoughts, so I immediately feared that this was a premonition of actual events unfolding. I realized that it was 11:30 EST, so I didn’t want to call the boys and perhaps wake them over their Mom’s “irrational fear.” 

So, I hit my knees on that hotel room floor. 

I began “circling” myself literally as I traced my finger on that carpet and prayed boldly for God to surround my home with angels of protection. 

No matter the threat, I envisioned God sending an army to protect my “babies.” 

As I was still on my knees 20 minutes later, I heard my phone text notification ding. 

I stepped out of my prayer circle and checked my phone to find this image that Chase sent to me with the message: “I randomly woke up and opened iFunny and this was the first thing I saw on there.” 

Can y’all envision my face in that moment when I saw this image?!

The house. The “family” inside. The “threat” outside. The angel army protecting!

My shock quickly turned into peaceful assurance that, “Yes. God has them so much more so than I ever could. And He hears me. Every time.” 

That led to me sharing this story with the boys. The book. What I was learning from it. The fear that night. The practice of encircling my prayer in an act of claiming God’s favor. 

Chase and I talked for an hour that night after that about the principles that I was learning from this book. 

He was inspired. The next day, he passed that experience and inspiration along to Brooks who was subsequently inspired in a very specific way (Another story for another day!) 

That “trickle-down” effect…what a powerful element of equipping our children! 

As I think about one of the components of my life purpose-serving people who suffer from trauma, I think about my own experience of trauma throughout my life. 

How it has impacted decisions made. 

How we are in “survival mode” following a traumatic experience, and rather than making conscious decisions that are best for us, we often just “allow” things to happen even when we know they are not “for us.” 

We are often just trying to keep our heads above water following a trauma, so whatever is in our life at the time, simply remains as we are struggling for the next breath rather than consciously choosing our best course of action. 

When I separated in 2017 and subsequently divorced, the trauma was greater than anything that I could have ever imagined. I had committed fully to that covenant with no consideration that divorce would be a possibility, so reaching a place where not only was that broken, but then having a polar-opposite experience within that relationship than I would have never imagined possible…the emotional toll was too much. 

My entire world changed. 

I have always been a woman who loves to have a million irons in the fire, but when I separated, all of my “irons” changed into ones that I couldn’t have predicted, so my intentions and energies shifted in accordance. 

Topping off that mountain of change with also taking on the care of the emotional toll that I saw my children experiencing, “survival mode” barely scratches the surface of the experience. 

And YET…..what I’ve learned from my healing work not only in my own life but also in my work in helping others to heal is that there is so much good even within the midst of the aftermath. 

Even if something is not necessarily “for us,” that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t serve to help us along our healing journey for that time. 

Even those things that we “allow” rather than consciously choose during our healing journey have purpose and meaning. 

Once we reach a place where we have healed to the extent that we can understand and state our needs, we then open ourselves up to receiving what IS best for us. 

Then, we can stand in that circle that we draw as we call out to God to bless us with His goodness for us and watch as He rejoices in pouring out those blessings that He has been holding for us just waiting on us to let go of all that we’ve clutched to in our pain. 

About a year ago, after my own EMDR session with my personal therapist, I listed all of the ways that I had experienced God resourcing me through my divorce. Many of them were miracles that illustrated that it could only be from Him. 

Through my tears that day, I questioned “Why?! Why would God resource me in that way when I felt like everything that was happening was so far from God’s ultimate desire for our lives?!” 

My therapist replied, “Because you’re His little girl, and He loves you!” 

Yes. That’s the answer. He’s there. Just like I desire to be fully there for my children and ensure that they are safe, they have all they need, they are emotionally at peace, they know that I’m their safe place regardless of what is happening in their lives either by their choice or circumstance. 

He’s there. In even bigger ways than I could ever humanly be there for my own children. 

It was then that I was able and willing to release the pieces of my life that were not “for me” and embark upon the journey of true healing and opportunity for receiving. That space has been freeing, difficult, empty, hopeful, quiet, and filled with a deeply igniting energy that is inexplicable. I “found myself” within that empty space in ways that I had been searching for my entire life, and I experienced the internal fire of excitement with the embracement of “true self” that is more valuable than anything else that could fill a painful void. 

Honi is a legend because he was humble yet bold enough to believe that God is for us and that He is literally waiting to pour out blessings on us, and then he drew a circle in the sand as a sacred symbol of willingness to receive. 

We have the freedom to shed all that we’re holding onto that is not “ours” that fills voids out of our trauma. 

Yet, when we let go….God rushes in to fill that void with what is meant for us. 

Does it always look like a “blessing?”  No…perhaps not at first. Sometimes, it looks like waiting, loneliness, silence….but even in that space, there is more peace than filling the void with that which is not ours. 

-Sherie 

Acknowledgement: This is written with full awareness that there are so many people who have a different belief system regarding the existence of God and the idea of His “goodness.” Applying the principles of the “Circle Maker” can be thought of as manifesting what is meant for us as we work to heal by recognizing the things we are filling voids in our lives with, intentionally working towards healing as we release those things and place ourselves in a position of receiving what is ours to receive. 

The trauma-heal-release-receive cycle is powerful.

References: 

Batterson, M. (2012). Praying circles around your children. Zondervan. 

Batterson, M. (2016). The circle maker: Praying circles around your biggest dreams and greatest fears. Zondervan.