Embracing the “Rebel”

 Most of my life, I have made decisions considering first what everyone around me wanted. 

When I was graduating from high school, my teacher, Mrs. Tommi Ward, asked me what I was going to do next so that she could write our graduation announcements. I was months away from graduation, and I had no idea what was next.

Her question prompted me, at 17 years old, to create a skeleton plan of my entire life. I always knew that I would be a counselor. I was a huge fan of the T.V. show, Growing Pains, when I was a kid, and I based my career path on the dad, Dr. Seaver, who was a Psychiatrist who practiced out of an office in his home. 

I didn’t even have a frame of reference regarding therapy and what that actually entailed, yet, I knew that this would be my life. I started “counseling” my dolls, and my pretend play as a child included the establishment of a counseling practice out of my little playhouse that my Dad built. I had “it all” in my childhood fantasy play. I was married to a handsome, successful man who was well-respected in our town, I was a Mom to two beautiful children, I had a thriving career that I was able to conduct from home while managing the house, the kids, the animals, the social calendar….

See? 

“It all.”

This vision for my future had been there in my subconscious “pretend world” for as long as I could remember, so my decision making process at 17 years old in order to answer Mrs. Ward’s question happened fairly quickly. 

I told her that I would go to college. 

I was a first generation college student, and I had never had anyone talk to me about college before, so I had some research ahead of me. My simple research design including polling all of my friends to determine where they were going, and then I made plans to apply to colleges where I knew that I would be able to carpool and work after school.  

Financially, I knew that this was my only option. I tease my Dad that he was “Dave Ramsey” before Dave Ramsey “made it”, and also that I wish that my Dad had built Financial Peace University! My Dad’s value regarding money was, “If I can’t pay cash for it, I don’t need it.” While this was an honorable value, it also meant that I was unable to qualify for any “need-based” scholarships or grants because he owed nothing, and qualifying was dependent on my parents’ information at that age. My college expense was not something that I would have ever asked him to provide even if that had been possible. I decided that I would not take out student loans myself because of the financial value system that he had instilled in me. 

So, I lived at home, worked, carpooled with friends to school, and paid for college. Everything felt very “regimented, structured, ‘on course’”….not in keeping with my natural personality in order for me to thrive. I can’t imagine what might have shifted in me/for me if, during those years, I had taken out even half of the costs in school loans and allowed myself room to be a 20-something-year-old college student who was not living like such a settled, responsible adult. 

Throughout those years, I continued to make decisions for my life based upon what I thought would make others happy, proud of me, and to be at peace. I occasionally had a “rebel moment” that allowed me to explore my ideal desires, so I did take out school loans at that point to go to graduate school out of state which was one of the best decisions of my life.

Even as a child, I was aware of my desire for adventure. I craved anything that was new and different. I was curious about life and wanted to experience it with arms wide open. Yet, I had parents with very conservative, traditional values that wanted for those arms to close gently, for me to slow down, take some irons out of the fire, and be calm.  The opposite of who I was. I gave it a good effort to fit that mold, yet my moments of allowing myself the freedom to be “me” often looked like rebellion. They were so happy when I started dating a “good”, stable, all-American boy who came from a good family with solid values. I was happy to see them happy. They were at peace and not worried about me. I wanted to give them that peace. 

My soul, however, longed for something different. I remember stepping into new religious experiences during early adulthood and discovering a book that began to change me. 

To acknowledge that Jesus, himself, was a rebel opened me so many pieces to embrace about myself that were exciting and new. Despite that, I wasn’t able yet to walk fully into what I knew that God was showing me. 

I chose to put my head down and go back into that “regimented, structured, ‘on course’” lifestyle through marriage and a professional career. Throughout the years after that, there was so much good that came from that time, and I’m so grateful. My then-husband and I developed career and life goals that looked very different from our family traditions. I shared with him my dreams of adventure and pursuit of “more” (not knowing what I even wanted that to look like), and he caught that energy and momentum, with me. We went forward in our careers progressing well, and then we started a family. We had big decisions to make regarding our decision to keep our children at home during the early years. We eventually decided that I would have the privilege of being there with my children for their every waking moment, and I considered it a “blessed sacrifice.” I still felt that “fire in the belly”, though, that had been longing to escape. 

I attempted to satisfy that “fire” through the pursuit of my Ph.D. 

Higher education was traditionally my “go to” to satisfy that quest for adventure given my responsibilities in life. It was in keeping with my overall life goals, and it checked all of the boxes that would qualify me as justified and accepted by all the would-be critics if I had chosen to pursue a less purposeful goal. Completing my Ph.D. was part of my life purpose, and it allowed me to become a professor at a university in addition to the counseling practice that I maintained. It fit into that “Dr. Seaver vision” for my future. 

I was happy, content, proud of how the vision was coming together, and yet I felt to the depths of my soul that there was more. The years leading to, during, and following my divorce are important to this story, but I’ll reserve for another day. 
The main awareness that I have been able to own through my healing journey, is that I have gone through life pouring water on my inner fire, and I just kept adding lanes to the path that I was on hoping that would fill some of the void. 
During my divorce, I knew that I needed and wanted to maintain stability for my children, so I dug in and started sprinting. I was successful in quickly building up to a similar lifestyle as my children were used to, yet we were all hurting so badly emotionally. That emptiness and hurt that we all felt was overwhelming. 

When an old friend came into my life at such a crossroads bearing the character of complete transparency, gentleness, and emotion, I was comforted and determined to continue the new path of freedom from the mental turmoil that was my life. Soothing the hurt with characteristics that had been missing may have provided balm for me and my children, but it also kept the wounds from healing. 

As I worked with my counselor and engaged in EMDR and Human Design work, I was slowly able to voice my own truth. The truth was that I knew that I was still trying to please everyone. Throughout life, I was unhealthy enough to state over and over my dissatisfaction with my current situation. It took a long time, however, to finally heal enough to have the courage to say, “No.” and actually change the situation itself.

One night, a year or so ago, my children and I sat down over pizza and we had a more “real” conversation than ever before. They both acknowledged that they knew that I was miserable and that I had been trying to make everyone happy including them at the expense of myself. They knew that I was trying to maintain that “regimented, structured, ‘on course’” path that looked “ok” to others yet wasn’t my path. That conversation freed me. I knew that they needed ME more than they needed all of the things that I was trying to provide including the comfort of people who could never fill the void that they and I felt…because that wasn’t possible for any human being to do. That was something that we each had to do on our own through our own healing work. I am thankful for the good that came from that time period, but out of my own brokenness, I had allowed it to go shockingly further than I can even believe as I think about it today. All because I would not voice my own truth with the ownership that it needed.

It was as if I were slowly walking away from a burning building that I had just watered with gas and swiped the match to. 

As I walked, I could feel the shackles falling off of me. There was a lot of pain through that process, though the freedom was exhilarating. 

It allowed me to enjoy the company of myself. 

I realized that I could do my favorite things solo. I found peace in that. All of the negative that had pulled the experiences down before was removed, and I could experience the freedom of pleasure. 

I treated myself to unique restaurants, exhibits, festivals, a concert, and it turns out that I’m a pretty amazing date! 😊

I experienced my children with a freedom and depth that had never been present before. This was GOOD. And also, I still acknowledged the ongoing feeling of being lonely. According to my human design, I’m designed for partnership. I have always owned that longing for “My Person.” The one that you could catch eyes with across the room and communicate volumes. That person that you feel such connection and intimacy with that you are left frequently catching your breath with the shock of moments that are inexplicable. Those “God winks” or “nods from the universe” that make you question a bigger force behind the relationship.
Until we learn and understand ourselves well, embrace who we are designed to be, and walk into that truth with full force, we will never reach our full potential. 

Why wouldn’t we go through life inviting in the very best that life has to offer us…the freedom to live in our purposeful design? 

Embracing the “Rebel”…which is always “different” than “average.”