“It’s Complicated…”

“What does that even mean?!” 

 I scrolled through Facebook probably 10 years ago, observing all of the “It’s Complicated” relationship statuses, and I probably said something like “Can you even call it a ‘relationship’ if it’s ’complicated’?!”  

Then, I divorced. 

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the level of pain and grief that going through that caused. I have nothing but grace for people as they navigate all of the emotions following such a trauma…including the unhealthy ways in which we may choose to cope. 

 The way that we “cope” doesn’t feel like a “choice” really when we are in the middle of the experience. And, it isn’t in a lot of ways…when we experience something traumatic, our brain goes into “fight or flight” mode, and the prefrontal cortex (our reasoning center) is paused (from an evolutionary perspective, this is great! 

Otherwise, we may “think” too much, and not be able to react immediately when there is an actual threat.) Yet, when we are in “survival” mode following something like divorce, unhealthy coping gets in the way of healing. 

 There are soooooooo many people who stumble down that unhealthy coping path for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, many “do the work” and heal enough to have a healthy partnership in the future. 

This is what is weighing on me so heavily right now….for my generation and subsequent generations, it is so easy to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms which then become addictions. 

When I was in the “dating” stage of life in my teens and 20’s, we were fully engaged in the moment. There were few distractions…especially growing up in a small town. 

We went to grab something to eat, met up with friends (maybe! 🤭), and ended nights with lingering goodbyes on a front porch. My generation typically followed this idealistic trajectory of dating, getting married, having children, etc. 

Now, I believe, in large part because of our digital society, it is so much more difficult for people to meet each other because it is more comfortable for them to retreat at home and scroll on phones. 

So, this became a problem for my generation. 

First with the introduction of cell phones, social media, the internet…and the problem isn’t with those things. 

The problem is with our lack of boundaries with them. 

We are the problem. Our choices are the problem.

Easy access to technology meant that it became easy to reconnect with a past lover and even easier to find a new one if you didn’t like what was happening in the current relationship.  

And, then came the addictions…to the validation of “likes”, to “keeping up with the Joneses” on “steroids” as we compared our families with the perfectly staged photos on social media, to the dopamine hits of scrolling, to continually seeking “more” and ultimately not feeling satisfied with life. 

We’ve passed that “threat to peace and real connection” along to our children by handing them a device.  

So, now, they struggle to meet people, feel lonely and isolated. They wonder how they will find a partner that they can trust when they know all of the options available to them that can cause broken hearts in a day and time when getting a divorce is commonplace. 

My friend, Mindy, and I went to a couple of concerts this past month. At both concerts, we were seated in the front row in front of the “pit.” We had a “front row seat” to all of the couples taking selfies and asking others to take their photos. 

What we witnessed made me sad. 

The couples weren’t enjoying the experience and each other. In fact, there were times that we saw them angry at each other as they continued to retake photos much to the dismay of their frustrated friends who were not professional photographers! 

I literally watched one couple get so angry that they couldn’t get the “right” photo that they both stormed off in different directions. 

I first noticed this “trend” when I went to a concert with my oldest son last month. I nudged him as I had been watching a couple in front of us seemingly arguing and very obviously not happy to be there together, yet one of them wanted a photo to commemorate this event. They magically transformed into this couple with smiles on their faces as they held the pose, then turned to each other for a “kiss”….(intentionally placed in quotation marks as what I observed was not MY definition of a kiss.) As soon as one of them snapped the held pose while side-eyeing the phone, they both rushed in to view the photo for approval, then were back to their seats turned away from each other with ice growing between them. 

I asked my youngest son this week if he thought his generation would be the one to turn things back around. He’s doubtful. 

People, in general, are miserable as they navigate empty relationships and lack of genuine connection. 

Yet, it is going to take discipline and much working through dopamine addictions to be able to develop authentic partnerships. 

I used to think “Gahhhhhhhhh….🙄 Just stay out of relationship if it’s complicated!” 

Now that I have experienced the very unnatural feeling of “dating” at this stage of life after divorce and raising my children, I get it. 

Everything feels complicated. 

Navigating the life history, meeting families and children of your dating partner, unhealed traumas from childhood, adulthood, marriage….then, add in the phone/device misuse, and yeah…Complicated. 

Doing the work to help ourselves to heal not only helps us to be ready for healthy partnership, but it also protects those along the way that may become “casualties” of our healing process. It helps our children to see us modeling health even through one of the most traumatic experiences that we could experience as humans. 

We have to give ourselves grace through the process. 

It’s messy most of the time. (Remember that our reasoning ability is not working well through it!) 

Initially, we tend to gravitate towards what we feel like we have been lacking the most. 

This is dangerous, because we then tend to make decisions quickly while we’re still trying to heal that void which needs to be healed within ourselves rather than through external means. 

As we give ourselves grace, it’s also important to realize the lessons learned through the experiences. 

I haven’t dated much for many reasons…mainly, I was fully responsible for raising my children by myself, so they have been my main focus, and any relationship that I explored had to consider my children first. 

The lessons have been many, and the serious relationship that I ended last year taught me the most. 

We were “fire” from the beginning. Anywhere we went, our energy together was contagious. 

We played hard. 

We danced spontaneously whether we were in the kitchen, an event, or the grocery store. 

We laughed a lot, worked projects together seamlessly, and ultimately, I knew throughout the relationship that he was in my life mirroring pieces of my childhood that I still had trauma to heal from. 

I didn’t want that to be true during it, but deep down, I knew that it was. 

The couple of other brief dating experiences following that relationship, I saw things from the beginning that caused me to say to myself (and to them), “That’s not ok.” or “This is not going to work.” And, from those experiences, I learned to trust my gut more quickly. 

It has never lied. 

I was just reluctant to listen. 

So, to all you “It’s Complicated” statuses out there….I see you. 

 And, also….there is nothing but grace for your journey. 

Now, let’s get off of our devices and go do some “front porch sittin’” with friends, neighbors, family.  

Real connection is what we all crave. It doesn’t exist on a screen.