Manifesting

 Manifesting

On 5/4/24, I was lying on a beach in Costa Rica reveling in the fact that I had “manifested” that dream by believing that I would be someday be there. 

“Manifesting.”…….However we state it, the result is the same, right? 

“She thought she could, so she did.” 

“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it.”– Maya Angelou

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” – Albert Einstein

“Once you make a decision, The Universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, I sat on the beach that day watching monkeys, drinking mojitos, writing, listening to music, and meeting new friends. Heaven.

Since that day, I’ve contributed to a “Manifesting journal” periodically. Today, I added an entry that summarizes what I believe that most every human wants most in life.

…..

I bought a new car today. I’ve been thinking about it/looking online randomly for the past several months. Saturday, I found the car that I wanted to actually drive to Atlanta to test drive. I called the dealer to confirm that it was on the lot. Chad, the sales agent, confirmed, and I told him that I would be there in an hour. 

I drove about 5 minutes, and then realized that I may need my title, so I turned around and retrieved it from my safe at home. That delay caused Chad to call me as I was about 5 minutes from the dealership, and I assured him that I was, in fact, coming! As I pulled up at the dealership, an elderly couple was standing on the sidewalk in front of the showroom doors. They smiled and waved as I drove by. As I opened my door and got out of my car, they approached me slowly. I smiled at them and said, “Hello.” The husband said, “We love your car!” as he gripped his wife’s hand. I said, “Yes, I do, too! I’m about to sell it, though!” He said, “How much do you want for it?” 

….”Ummm, I don’t know….I haven’t even looked up the value yet!” I replied. “Do you want to look at it?” I asked as I still had the door open. He looked at his wife, and she looked into his eyes, smiled and nodded. After they looked over the car, she said, “This is exactly what I wanted.” 

He smiled at me and nodded…”How much do you want for it? She wants it.” 

I pulled up KBB.com and gave him the value range, and we landed in the middle. I told him that I needed to go and let Chad know that I was there, so I walked up to the showroom door where Chad was watching the entire scene. I shook his hand and said, “I think I just sold my car. I’m going to need a ride!”  

We laughed, and Chad walked back to my car where I exchanged numbers with the couple as it was late afternoon on a Saturday, and there were no banks open. 

As Chad and I walked to the car that I was there to test drive, we exchanged incredulous comments about what just happened….

“That will never happen.” Chad said. “They are in here all the time. They never buy anything.”

I said, “I dunno, Chad…..I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I have been asking all the way here for this transaction to be stopped if it was not mine.” Having a couple walk up to my car and make an offer on my car immediately after pulling into the parking space seemed like a pretty strong sign that I was going to buy a car. And, also…that the couple was placed there to “bless that ‘yes’.”

We slid into this little sporty car that I was already feeling excited about, and Chad says, “O.K….let’s have fun. When was the last time that you drove a sports car?!” 

“Well, my first car was a Honda Prelude (anybody remember that model?!), but that’s as close as I got to a sports car!” 

“Wellllllll, then……you’re about to let the horses run! Turn right. Remember ‘Pretty Woman’ when she says it must ‘corner like it’s on rails’?!  You’re going to do THAT!” 

“Chad…..the speed limit is 30.” 

“Sherie….I sell sports cars. Turn right, and I’VE GOT YOU.” 

“OK…………………….”

Much laughter and squeals later, I, like a lamb headed to the slaughter, 😂 willingly walked to his desk where we started paperwork. Yet, I still had the couple lingering out there as a question as to whether or not they were actually going to buy my car. I couldn’t take possession of my new car and also leave my car in the lot, so I decided that I would have to wait until Monday. 

On Sunday, I called the couple just to check in on their level of interest, and Mr. M said, “Yes, of course! We will be there in Monroe at the bank first thing in the morning.” 

“Well, Mr. M, I actually loved the car that I test drove, so I am going to come back to that area on Monday morning to purchase, and I can meet you at your bank there.” 

I had a 10:00 a.m. virtual call, so I drove to the bank early to conduct the call from the parking lot. I told Mr. M that I would meet them at 11:00 once my call was complete, and I watched them pull up at 10:30 a.m. They smiled and waved at me in my car on my call as they went into the bank holding hands to get a cashier’s check. At 11:00 a.m., I got out of my car and greeted them in the parking lot. I asked them if they would like to ride in the car first before purchase, and they agreed, so I suggested that we drive to my bank to deposit the check because, honestly, I still didn’t believe that this was real. We all got into my car, Mr. M opened the door for Mrs. M, and he sat in the back seat. As I drove, we began to share stories of our lives. 

They met when they were 9 and 11 years old. Their grandparents owned adjoining land in the mountains as they were growing up, and they met and fell in love. 9 and 11 years old, y’all! His family moved to Atlanta, and he came back several years later to retrieve his bride. She was the ripe age of 14. 

I drove and listened to their story, and I watched as he leaned forward from the backseat to reach his arms around the seat to where his bride was sitting. His right hand on her right shoulder. His left hand stroking strands of her hair. She looked peaceful as she smiled and reached her left hand up to meet his hand playing with her hair. 

I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Y’all are the SWEETEST.” Seriously. “Y’all have been in love since 9 and 11, and you can’t keep your hands off of each other! I LOVE IT.” 

They laughed and agreed. 

They continued to share about their life as I shared bits and pieces of mine. 

Mr. M answered a phone call and I took the opportunity to ask Mrs. M about her health as she kept mentioning it being in poor condition. She said, “Well, I have dementia, and I can’t really remember what else, but I think cancer.”

Mr. M ended his phone call, and I asked him, “Mr. M, what made you want to buy this car?”

“She wanted it.” he quickly replied. 

“I want that.” I said. “Y’all can’t keep your hands off of each other, and you care about each other’s comfort and joy…..after 60 years?!” They just beamed at each other. They said that it had been a good life. A hard life. All of the things….and, also, they had each other through it all.

This is all that any human wants, right?! ….to have that kind of loving feeling of peace and joy, and also holding a range of other emotions and frustrations….but commitment to each other. Absence of loneliness and emptiness. Presence of satisfaction of a life well-lived together. One that you’ve worked hard for. 

Based on the quote from my previous post, this is “What we are like.”……RIGHT?!

And, also, this was the REAL reason that this couple came into my life. They were the picture of what my heart desires. Coming into my life to reveal that so very clearly as I am in a place of conscious manifesting.

As we pulled back up at their bank, I exchanged seats with Mr. M and attempted to show him how to operate ALLLLLLLL of the buttons on the dashboard. He looked at me at some point during my “I dunno” lesson and said, “She writes music, you know.” 

Wide eyed, I looked at Mrs. M and said, “Do you sing, too?!” 

Her entire face lit up and immediately….without hesitation….. she began singing me a song that she had written. As I erupted in tears, my car salesman pulled up, and Mr. M decided that he needed to take a photo of us. (I’m still waiting for him to send it, but I couldn’t wait to write about it!) 

Manifesting. 

This kind of love. 

Selfless…Grateful….Mr. and Mrs. M inspired “Committed.”

Wait…What did I write in Costa Rica? 

Love, Adoration, Passion, Peace, Satisfaction. 

This is “What we are like.”  

We were made for relationship. 

At the beginning of time, God said it was "not good" for us to be alone. 

So, He gave us relationship.

My car sales guy, Chad, got out of his car and walked around to the passenger side to open the door for me. He shook his head all the way and said, “That just doesn’t happen. Ever. Was she singing to you?!” 

I just smiled. “It happens to me, Chad. You just have to ask. And, also, sometimes you don’t even know what you’re asking for. You just have to be ready to receive. You just have to be in a place of expecting that you are going to get the answers, people, experiences that you need when you need them because you’ve invited them.”

Manifesting. 

Real

Several months ago, I had professional photos done. This was the third time in my adult life beginning with age 40 that I had allowed myself a fun photoshoot. 

My “why” doesn’t really matter as I would encourage every woman to engage in the experience at least once for their own reasons. The ability to first let yourself go and be playful, sensual, and to feel sexy in front of a camera is such a beautiful experience, but then to see the result of the shoot and have tangible evidence that you can look back on even on your “worst” days and have it draw a smile…priceless. 

The last photo shoot that I had done, however, left me contemplative about the experience even more (surprise, surprise!). I began to wonder how much of those photos were “me” versus filters and effects. The photographer that I worked with was such a fun, free-spirit like me, so our energy together that day was magic. She is an artist who is also intent on capturing the authentic person within the photos…their personality, essence, natural style.

Over the past couple of years, I have dug deeper into my desire for authentic relationships. I, first, needed to get “real” with myself about what I wanted in life, who I am as a person, and how closely I present myself as who I know myself to be. What a freeing feeling to be honest not only with yourself and own who you are, but then to allow yourself the freedom to “be.” The therapist in me has to offer a disclaimer that this doesn’t mean that we simply accept all parts of who we are…we just acknowledge them, embrace things that we love, and work towards changing things that we want to change. That being said…there is so much freedom in that awareness, growth process, and embracing the beauty within ourselves. 

As I leaned into authenticity, I found myself doing things differently. I stopped associating with people that I didn’t feel aligned with. I became more intentional about time with those that I could feel good, positive energy with. I recognized my desire for truth and depth. I limited exposure to surface conversations that drained my energy. I began to offer more vulnerability and truth when I saw people that I know in answer to the typical “How are you?” type of questions. You know what I found? They also leaned into the conversation more as they received a part of me that was deeper than a standard answer that doesn’t offer real connection. 

I began to really see the veneers and masks that many people operate from. Rather than fault them for that, though, I began to question this tendency. What leads us to present ourselves as a set of chosen characteristics rather than who we are authentically? I believe that it boils down to either not knowing who we really are or not liking who we know ourselves to be. Either way, this limits our ability to develop deep, meaningful connections with people, and whether we want to admit it or not, this is the main thing in life that we crave as a species. There are many reasons as to why so many people resist developing those connections…past relational trauma, fear of rejection, the list goes on…but one thing that we do know is that we were designed to crave connection.

One of my favorite books is “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. The opening lines of the book illustrate perfectly this desire for human connection:

"I remember a story my friend Deborah the psychologist told me once. Back in the 1980s, she was asked by the city of Philadelphia if she could volunteer to offer psychological counseling to a group of Cambodian refugees—boat people—who had recently arrived in the city. Deborah is an exceptional psychologist, but she was terribly daunted by this task. These Cambodians suffered the worst of what humans can inflict on each other—genocide, rape, torture, starvation, the murder of their relatives before their eyes, then long years in 

refugee camps and dangerous boat trips to the West where people died and corpses were fed to shark— what could Deborah offer these people in terms of help? How could she possibly relate to their suffering? ‘But don’t you know,’ Deborah reported to me, ‘what all these people wanted to talk about, once they could see a counselor?’

It was all: I met this guy when I was living in the refugee 

camp, and we fell in love. I thought he really loved me, but then we were separated on different boats, and he took up with my cousin. Now he’s married to her, but he says he really loves me, and he keeps calling me, and I know I should tell him to go away, but I still love him and I can’t stop thinking about him. And I don’t know what to do…

This is what we are like.”

If we are going to engage in connections which develop into relationships, let’s show up authentically. Yes, it’s risky. We may feel hurt through the process. We also have the opportunity to feel the greatest joy possible. 

I reached out to my photographer about a month after my photo shoot and asked her, “How much did you ‘touch up’ my photos?” I kept looking at one in particular that I had used as a profile picture, and I kept ruminating over it…

“Does that really look like me?” “Do I look my age?” “How many wrinkles and imperfections were corrected?” 

My main goal within that rumination was to ensure that I was presenting “real” and not a facade. Not judging those who desire to use filters, etc…they have their reasons. And, also, for me, with this keen awareness and exploration over these years of my need for depth and authenticity, I knew that I needed to be able to see the visible difference between what I was projecting versus who I really am. It was important to me as a representation of my inner work and where I have landed on the topic for myself. 

So, my photographer graciously sent me the original version of one of the photos that I asked her about as she knew and supported my “why.” 

And, that untouched version became my new profile picture….because for me, it represents me “removing any masks” and allowing myself to show up as “me.”

Phoenix Rising

 Phoenix Rising

Game of Thrones was introduced to me over the past year, and I immediately found myself drawn to the character, Daenerys Stormborn, of the House Targaryen (Khaleesi). She is the “Mother of Dragons.” Today, I left Felicia, my friend and “Energetic massage expert” (there is no title that does her work justice!) after she worked on my “heart space” for over 2 hours. I told her as I left that I kept picturing her as Khaleesi as she worked on me. She birthed a dragon.

Over and over during the past month, I have remarked that I was in the “Phoenix Rising” portion of healing from past traumas. 

When Felicia worked on me a few weeks ago, she noted that my heart area was “locked up.” She suggested that we do some deeper physical work to help release that area. In preparation for our work together today, she asked me ahead of time to send her some of my favorite songs. She incorporated them into her playlist that helps her to “let loose and release.” I literally felt my hands and arms burning as I did the initial “breath work”…I kept thinking that the burning represents my hands always trying to “fix” what’s wrong. 

My feet and legs began burning, and I thought about the fact that all of my limbs were on fire…the fire before the rising. 

As she worked on my core and chest, I began to feel nauseated. That space in the middle of my chest that I had told my therapist that I felt a painful experience that I was working through in….the deepest part of myself. I began feeling that area releasing upwards and downwards and I felt nauseated and like I was going to scream at the same time. I felt it shift and I experienced a feeling of floating…rising. 

During this experience, the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle was playing: 

https://youtu.be/sIaT8Jl2zpI?si=uazFNoTb8EIwcNDg

The opening lyrics of “You Say”:

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low

Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know

Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

And you say I am held when I am falling short

And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours

And I believe (I)

Oh, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

Every season in our lives has a purpose…some of those seasons are for healing….for showing us what is present that needs attention to be able to receive what we need in the next season. 

For the first time in my life, this past year, I have allowed myself to love fully, forgive when I wouldn’t have otherwise, look at myself within any situation to see how I contributed and work on making corrections. I have allowed myself to live with “Abandon”…the word that came to me over 10 years ago as my “word of the year” and has resonated ever since. Once you’ve lived with that kind of freedom to feel, you can’t go back. Even if you get hurt, we can deal with the hurt. We truly can. But, we can’t shut ourselves off from feeling that kind of “no holds barred abandon” to love once we’ve experienced the freedom and joy of it. 

The playlist that Felicia played during our session: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2JZUxDGm9QxjQoOywZpWxB?si=N1jWn7l6SbCAFRKVR_1K9w&pi=u-eXMPwNibRky1

And, Also….

 And, Also…

Recently, I discovered that one of my best friends and I shared a very interesting commonality. Eons ago, we both eloped to the same obscure resort in Jamaica. What are the odds?! 

As we realized this incredulous fact, we both started calculating the years since these odd occurrences. It was then that I realized that today (2/20/24) would be exactly 25 years since this bright faced, hopeful, full-of-life “little girl” entered into an agreement that would shift and change her in ways that she could have never imagined. She was not so naive that she didn’t imagine changing through the years, but the changes that she would experience could have never been predicted by the smile across her lips at that moment in time. 

Most of us enter into marriage without the faintest clue of what we’re doing or what’s to come. We just know that we have hope. Hope for a home that we get to create that may be similar or different from the home that we’ve known in the past. Hope for joy, children, family, a partner, community, a legacy. 

Then, life happens. There are trials, challenges, loneliness, moments of connection, adventures, pursuit of dreams, success, and loss.  It’s a mixed bag. So, what determines whether or not that “mixed bag” lands you in the 25 year anniversary mark or parting prior to? 

The answer to that question is dependent upon so many factors….the trauma from the past, the individual and shared dreams of the future, the willingness to work through the difficulties that result when those dreams don’t align, the challenges associated with supporting each others’ dreams for achieving balance in family, career, personal pursuits, the decisions made along the way to cope with the difficulty in all of these areas…

The “milestone anniversary” markers are the “Crown Jewels” indicating “success” in navigating all of these challenges, right? 

And, Also…..

Those “milestone anniversaries” can be haunting reminders of the lack of boundaries that you wish that you had set when you went through with a wedding that you didn’t want. They can be a representation of the years that you have put yourself last instead of pursuing dreams that have been unsupported by the partner that had agreed to support you in your goals for a fulfilling life together. They can be a tragic reminder that the partner that vowed to love and support you through better or worse didn’t fight for you. They can highlight that the covenant made was not honored, and therefore that “milestone” feels far from being termed the “Crown Jewel” of all relational triumphs. 

And, Also…..

What did you do with the wreckage? Did you crumble? Of course you did. Because, we all crumble when we experience trauma. There is a vivid memory from my younger years of learning about a “sackcloth and ashes” experience. This is meant to illustrate grief so deep that the person reaps ashes on their head and dresses in sackcloth to signify their deep distress. I remember many days and nights following the ending of my own marriage that I grieved deeply and mimicked the “sackcloth and ashes” reference by going outside (especially by the light of a full moon…if you know, you know…) and burning things that no longer existed. What a powerful, external visual of the grief that you feel inside. 

And, Also…..

What do you do next? 

I hope you rise.

There is a mythical golden bird called the “phoenix” that is associated with hope, renewal, regeneration, born from the knowledge and experience of challenging times. 

There were many, MANY nights that I didn’t think that I could rise from those ashes. The nights that my children were crying from circumstances beyond my control. The days that I wondered how I was going to provide a roof over my children’s heads before realizing that our days are planned far ahead of our own awareness of their unfolding. We simply have to trust the unfolding and not try to hold on so tightly to the control of that piece of the puzzle. 

And, Also….

What a difficult journey. The struggle to survive is such a devious fight. Not the least of which, I believe, is in our human design to have to endure. And, yet, we may be faced with that task. And, ENDURE doesn’t even begin to describe the full extent of our capability when we step into our full potential. We are made to THRIVE. Despite life. Despite fears. Despite “nay-sayers” who are allowing themselves to be used to distract, deter, and destroy our efforts to exemplify resilience in the face of the unimaginable. 

And, Also….

THRIVE is the life goal that I hope that we are all aspiring to. If you are not thriving, then, what are you doing? What is blocking your path? You? Your trauma? We can heal so many pieces of those experiences. Other people? Are they willing to see their inhibitions in your life or are stronger boundaries necessary? 

I turned 50 years old in 2023. 50. I remember when that number seemed near death to me. Now, it seems like a stepping stone. One in which I finally learned to state my truth, acknowledge my needs, own my “self.” So much healing has happened for me in the past year and a half…I had worked with my own therapist to heal enough to be true to myself at that point in time, and that’s when the REAL healing began. 

So, several weeks ago, I did a photo shoot to capture the feeling of being comfortable in my skin. 

A friend messaged me and asked, “Awe, how sweet that you’re doing this for your “Person” for Valentine’s Day?!” 

And, I answered, “No, this one is for me.” 

Did he enjoy it, as well? Yes.

And, Also….

Reaching the point in life that you are healed enough to do something for yourself that meets your needs and embraces all of the parts of you that are full of hope, loss, resilience, and acceptance. That is the true beauty of living. 

And, Also….

Sometimes, it doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would. 

And, Also….

That’s ok.

It can look better than you could have ever dreamed of.