Real

Several months ago, I had professional photos done. This was the third time in my adult life beginning with age 40 that I had allowed myself a fun photoshoot. 

My “why” doesn’t really matter as I would encourage every woman to engage in the experience at least once for their own reasons. The ability to first let yourself go and be playful, sensual, and to feel sexy in front of a camera is such a beautiful experience, but then to see the result of the shoot and have tangible evidence that you can look back on even on your “worst” days and have it draw a smile…priceless. 

The last photo shoot that I had done, however, left me contemplative about the experience even more (surprise, surprise!). I began to wonder how much of those photos were “me” versus filters and effects. The photographer that I worked with was such a fun, free-spirit like me, so our energy together that day was magic. She is an artist who is also intent on capturing the authentic person within the photos…their personality, essence, natural style.

Over the past couple of years, I have dug deeper into my desire for authentic relationships. I, first, needed to get “real” with myself about what I wanted in life, who I am as a person, and how closely I present myself as who I know myself to be. What a freeing feeling to be honest not only with yourself and own who you are, but then to allow yourself the freedom to “be.” The therapist in me has to offer a disclaimer that this doesn’t mean that we simply accept all parts of who we are…we just acknowledge them, embrace things that we love, and work towards changing things that we want to change. That being said…there is so much freedom in that awareness, growth process, and embracing the beauty within ourselves. 

As I leaned into authenticity, I found myself doing things differently. I stopped associating with people that I didn’t feel aligned with. I became more intentional about time with those that I could feel good, positive energy with. I recognized my desire for truth and depth. I limited exposure to surface conversations that drained my energy. I began to offer more vulnerability and truth when I saw people that I know in answer to the typical “How are you?” type of questions. You know what I found? They also leaned into the conversation more as they received a part of me that was deeper than a standard answer that doesn’t offer real connection. 

I began to really see the veneers and masks that many people operate from. Rather than fault them for that, though, I began to question this tendency. What leads us to present ourselves as a set of chosen characteristics rather than who we are authentically? I believe that it boils down to either not knowing who we really are or not liking who we know ourselves to be. Either way, this limits our ability to develop deep, meaningful connections with people, and whether we want to admit it or not, this is the main thing in life that we crave as a species. There are many reasons as to why so many people resist developing those connections…past relational trauma, fear of rejection, the list goes on…but one thing that we do know is that we were designed to crave connection.

One of my favorite books is “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. The opening lines of the book illustrate perfectly this desire for human connection:

"I remember a story my friend Deborah the psychologist told me once. Back in the 1980s, she was asked by the city of Philadelphia if she could volunteer to offer psychological counseling to a group of Cambodian refugees—boat people—who had recently arrived in the city. Deborah is an exceptional psychologist, but she was terribly daunted by this task. These Cambodians suffered the worst of what humans can inflict on each other—genocide, rape, torture, starvation, the murder of their relatives before their eyes, then long years in 

refugee camps and dangerous boat trips to the West where people died and corpses were fed to shark— what could Deborah offer these people in terms of help? How could she possibly relate to their suffering? ‘But don’t you know,’ Deborah reported to me, ‘what all these people wanted to talk about, once they could see a counselor?’

It was all: I met this guy when I was living in the refugee 

camp, and we fell in love. I thought he really loved me, but then we were separated on different boats, and he took up with my cousin. Now he’s married to her, but he says he really loves me, and he keeps calling me, and I know I should tell him to go away, but I still love him and I can’t stop thinking about him. And I don’t know what to do…

This is what we are like.”

If we are going to engage in connections which develop into relationships, let’s show up authentically. Yes, it’s risky. We may feel hurt through the process. We also have the opportunity to feel the greatest joy possible. 

I reached out to my photographer about a month after my photo shoot and asked her, “How much did you ‘touch up’ my photos?” I kept looking at one in particular that I had used as a profile picture, and I kept ruminating over it…

“Does that really look like me?” “Do I look my age?” “How many wrinkles and imperfections were corrected?” 

My main goal within that rumination was to ensure that I was presenting “real” and not a facade. Not judging those who desire to use filters, etc…they have their reasons. And, also, for me, with this keen awareness and exploration over these years of my need for depth and authenticity, I knew that I needed to be able to see the visible difference between what I was projecting versus who I really am. It was important to me as a representation of my inner work and where I have landed on the topic for myself. 

So, my photographer graciously sent me the original version of one of the photos that I asked her about as she knew and supported my “why.” 

And, that untouched version became my new profile picture….because for me, it represents me “removing any masks” and allowing myself to show up as “me.”