What?!
Doesn’t anyone else here have an addiction to coffee that needs to be met upon feet hitting the floor???
No, everyone else apparently can wait until breakfast is served at 8:30 a.m!
I’m adjusting to the pace of this beautiful place. Those outside of the workshop are here for wellness and yoga, so much is removed to make space for that…television, meat, alcohol, and now coffee. I’m good with all of that with the exception of coffee!
Within our training yesterday, those of us in Group “A” participated in our first Ketamine “journey.” A small part of me said (quietly to myself, and maybe to a few close friends…) “Do I REEAAALLLYYY need to experience this before offering it as a therapy???”
Yes. I did.
After a full morning of teaching time about Ketamine and the researched benefits of it, there were beautiful “nests” set up for us within the training room, and the space was a “container” as it was resourced to provide safety and comfort.
We started the “journey” by swishing on ketamine lozenges after we listened to 417 HZ music through headphones in order to help our brains to slow down and relax. After 20 minutes of this part, we each laid down in our “nest” and a “sitter” was alongside us to monitor and assist through the “journey.”
The training is hosted by Dr. David Dansky, his wife Mars Lang, and Dr. Lisa Black and her husband, Adam. Dr. Dansky has been an ER physician for 40 years, and he began offering Ketamine within his private practice years ago. Dr. Black has been partnering with him for the past 3 years in combining the psychotherapy integration.
As I laid down in my “nest”, Dr. Dansky administered an IM dose of Ketamine.
Just like EMDR, I had a target disturbing memory that I had already set up as well as the negative and positive cognition connected to that memory.
My positive cognition that I needed to focus on based on my target memory was “My needs matter, and I can find people that I can trust to join me in meeting those needs and I can rest in that trust.” (I’m very much aware of my hyper-independence and the reasons for it as I’ve done much EMDR work over the past few years related to this.)
I’ll hit the “highlights” of my experience. Anytime I have ever had a dose of nitrous oxide, I had a very similar experience of sinking into this “other realm” where everything feels weightless and mostly peaceful. Interestingly, the first thing that I noticed was a “song” that was familiar. My song. The same one that was playing each time I’ve had nitrous oxide and the same one that used to play in my head when I was a little girl trying to go to sleep when my adrenaline was high. I thought, “Oh, there it is! My song!” I had never realized that it was there within each of those experiences until yesterday. It was comforting.
Dr. Black had given me a prompt prior to my “journey” after speaking with me regarding my target memory and positive/negative cognitions. She said, “If it feels right to you, invite others around your ‘table’ who can serve to resource you in embracing this desire to trust others.”
Immediately, my Pa (maternal grandfather whom I was SUPER close to), my friend that is deceased that showed up in my “Ugg map search” just the day before, another friend that has passed, and Felicia (my friend and massage therapist at my office) showed up around my table. We were all in a meeting seeking to help me to “let go” and trust myself to determine who is trustworthy as I go through my life.
My Pa was clearly in charge, and I always trusted him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Felicia showed up with her full energy saying, “Hell, yes! Let’s do this! We’ve been waiting on this!!” (Felicia has been a huge part of my healing journey through the years.)
There were no specific words…Only the sense that I was to trust the “process” of life and the awareness that they were all there to support me and guide things “behind the scene.”
Dr. Dansky came back some time later and pulled back my headphone to ask how I was doing and if I’d like to continue the “journey.” At first, I responded that I didn’t know. (I was still following my Pa around attempting to gain his wisdom, yet he kept walking with me but telling me energetically that I already knew.)
The second time Dr. Dansky asked me if I’d like to continue, I said, “Yes.” So, he administered another IM dose of Ketamine.
I then experienced a deeper “sinking in”, and everything was dark. I had a significant dissociative effect where I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. I wondered if I would be able to get back to my body/reality. Then, I wondered if everything (life, my body, me as a human) was, in fact, real. I could still think about my children, so I knew that they existed. Yet, it seemed that we were all somehow a part of another dimension, and I knew it was real, but I also questioned if it was real.
“Well, I guess this is my life now.”
That felt scary, so I felt myself reaching out my right hand, then I felt Mars grab my hand and assure me that I was not alone. That brought me right back to the comforting reality that I was real and that this was just an experience. At one point, Dr. Black, also assured me with “You’re doing great.” That gave me the comfort in knowing that all that was happening was supposed to be happening.
This illustrates the BIGGEST point that when you do engage in a “journey”, having someone there therapeutically supporting you is the most important part of the experience. Otherwise, we would end up in potential fear rather than being able to journey in a more healing manner.
As we sat on the back deck as a group last night “integrating” the experience, I noted to the group the significance of Mars holding my hand at that moment and Dr. Black assuring me with words.
As we were reflecting on that, Mars said, “Sherie, you seem so poised and ‘self-contained’. I hesitated to offer my hand to you, but you reached out for it.”
I responded with shock and then remembrance.
Did I reach out for someone??? Yes, I remembered that I did.
I then noted that my willingness to even reach out and indicate a need was something that I wouldn’t have done even last year. It has been through my own EMDR work that I’ve been willing and able to ask for help/state a need.
So, how much more healing was it that I did reach out during that “journey” yesterday, and then Mars and Dr. Black filled that need.
Remember that my positive cognition that I chose to hold based on my target disturbing memories was “My needs matter, and I can find people that I can trust to join me in meeting those needs and I can rest in that trust.”
Today, that positive cognition feels more true, and I do trust in my own discernment more and more as I receive “my people” who I can practice more INTERDEPENDENCE with as opposed to my lifelong INDEPENDENCE that was mostly rooted in trauma.
What a beautiful healing experience that took my EMDR work much deeper than I could have imagined!
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